Closure

3-13-13

(Before I begin my next entry, I want you all to know, I came very close to not doing my blog today.  I wasn’t even sure if I was going to do it anymore, at all.  I got very discouraged this past week.  People with good intentions made me second guess my blog and my heart for beginning it in the first place.  I prayed about it again and asked God “did I hear you right?”  After I spoke to God, I spoke to one of my pastors and my parents and I felt my heart and intensions were in the right place.  I was advised maybe I shared too much detail, sometimes I wonder that myself, but I don’t feel guilt over it, if I did.  I guess I felt the more real and intense I was, the more impact this was going to have.  For me, this was not about my further healing, me wanting people to feel sorry for me, and it wasn’t about trying to take any credit for who I am now.  It was all about hope.  I want others, especially woman, to know there is hope and only one hope to get through the trials in this life.  And that hope is called JESUS.  I do want to take a moment and tell my mom “Thank you.  Thank you for giving me the courage today to not stop writing.  Thank you for being concerned about me and my discouragement. Thank you for allowing God to use you to help me regain my heart.   Thank you for loving me and accepting me just the way I am.  I love you.”) 

This entry is call “Closure”…

The girls and I had an amazing trip to the beach.  We made some new memories, had a lot of laughs, and I finished my letter to the courts.  By the time we got home we only had to wait a week before we got closure on our past life with Chris.  The DA’s office called me after reading my letter and gave me beautiful words of encouragement.  She stated that when she wants to give women in the future some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, she will use my story.  She said that she has never seen a woman react the way I did to something so horrible.  She said I didn’t lose my cool.  I didn’t fall apart.  I put my daughters first and was their hero.  She started to cry, which in return made me cry.  I was overwhelmed that this woman that lived this journey with me the last 18mths saw me that way. 

The day came, Monday, October 1, 2012.  The hearing was set for 2pm.  If I closed my eyes I could see the courtroom, the lawyers, and the judge.  I could see Chris’s family sitting there for moral support not knowing how long it was going to be before they could have him back in their lives.  I could imagine his lawyer trying to defend a case that made her sick to her stomach (which was told to me she said by a creditable source.)  I could see Chris sitting there as I did that day he left us forever.  I could see him with his face in his hands, embarrassed.  I could see the tears, not knowing to this day if the tears were of shame or of being caught and knowing his life was over.  I may never know, really. 

It seemed that from 2pm to 5:28pm the day drug on forever.  The DA told me it could take up to the 3 hours and that she would call me as soon as she left.  So after 5pm I was getting anxious.  I had been told for over a year that he could not under any circumstances get less that 15yrs.  I was also told that most likely, that he was looking at 22+ years.  All I cared most about that he got long enough that both my girls were grown adults and could protect themselves.  So when the DA came back with 16.5 years I will admit I was disappointed.  My heart kind of leapt out of my chest.  Her disappointment didn’t help me either.  But then she continued on with the other terms of the sentencing.  He got lifetime probation and he couldn’t have contact with us ever, without permission from us through his probation officer.  For me, even though still a little taken back, that was great news.  As I prayed that night, God reminded me that I asked Him to give Chris the judgment He felt Chris needed.  I am in no place to judge or make a call on what people’s consequences should be of their actions.  I got what my heart desired, my girls will be grown.  And I also got it to where he can NEVER contact any of us without permission first.  Once I realized how good that was, I was accepting of the outcome.

It was finished.  The gavel was struck.  Sentencing was made.  The door was closed.  Those chapters of our lives had its finale.  The sentencing was the last piece of that puzzle and it brought us peace.  The hard parts were over.  The pain snuck up from time to time but it was no longer a daily thing and it was almost more like a faint memory instead of a heart wrenching feeling.  Forgiveness had come, for all of us.  Healing was achieved.  Laughter filled our life.  Our relationships with God were strengthen.  Our relationships with each other were stronger and better than ever.  I knew we have a bright and big future ahead of us, as a family, and as individuals.  I have seen dreams become more like realities in some areas.  I have encountered deeper worship with God.  Heart desires seem more available and obtainable.  I don’t know what all God has in store for us but I know this journey with Chris wasn’t the end, it was just the beginning.  We have a new puzzle now to fill the pieces to, one piece at a time, and one day it will all make sense and come together.

“And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

“For I knows the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that testing your faith develops perseverance.”  James 1:2-4

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of Him.”  1John 5:14&15

(On that last verse I reword it to fit me: “This is the confidence I have in approaching God: that if I ask anything according to Your will, You hear me.  And if I know that You hear me – whatever I ask – I know that I have what I asked of You.”)

I have many other verses that have spoke to me and helped me through some tough spots but these were 4 of my favorite.  This next verse I am going to share with you, I believe with all my heart is MY verse.  This is my prayer for my life.  This is why I started this blog in the first place.  This is my heart Lord…

”Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”  Hebrews 2:18