Fear

6-24-13

Wouldn’t you believe that Satan would use the very thing I wrote so passionately about in my last blog to tempt me with?  Not only did the devil tempt me but he chose the most perfect time (for him, not I) to choose to do so.  When I was already stressed and overwhelmed with another situation, he brought good people with good intentions into my life that want to see me happy, in love, to find my tender warrior (as Pastor Nathan calls him), to let my guard down.  I met a couple two weeks ago that met online using ChristianMingle.com and are happy, in love, and married now (they have no doubts it was God ordained).  I had a friend that was joking with me and poking me telling me “it’s a sign”.  Then I went home and told my girls and they were even telling me maybe I should. 

Then it happened.  Fear crept in.  Fear of maybe I was wrong.  Fear of maybe I was missing out on something because I was being close minded.  Fear that I was letting my daughters down.  Fear that I was telling God no and maybe it wasn’t Him telling me no.  I began to question everything when it came to meeting someone.  Fear that these people in my life might be right and have been right all this time.  I never knew until that week how much power I gave fear when I let it slip in.  I was already so exhausted, drained, and just worn out; and that made it easy for fear to take over.

Ever since I had my meeting with Pastor Nathan last October about being available, I knew online dating was something I did not desire to do.  Please let me clear something up though.  I am not against people meeting this way.  I know a lot of couples that have met on online sites, Christian or otherwise and have great success stories.  I have personally done the online dating thing before but this time around; I have felt led by the Holy Spirit that this is not the way for me.  Does this mean He can change His mind and change my heart and my outlook on this option, yes but I feel deep down, right now, this is not an option. 

Friday June 14^th I was a complete basket case.  I hadn’t felt this way since soon after our lives so dramatically changed over 2 years ago.  My chest was heavy, I couldn’t sleep, I was so confused, and I had no peace.  Confused?  No peace??  Well, with those 2 feelings, I knew I could not make any decisions.  I went to my parents and to my spiritual covering with my thoughts to hear their hearts.  And guess what?  God has a sense of humor!!  Instead of getting answers, I got more questions to answer.  I wasn’t sure if it was God or if it was me not letting this to be an easy and obvious answer.  Maybe I was holding out for someone to tell me “Sure, go ahead, why not?”  Those answers never came. 

Later in the day, I was thinking about fear and what it means in the dictionary.  I mean I knew what it meant to me in my life and how it made me feel but I was curious.   So, I looked up "fear" in the dictionary and it said: “Fear: An emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide.”  So what did I want to pull far away from was my own personal question and I knew pulling away from God was not an option for me.

Later that night I went on Facebook and saw an old friend of mine on chat.  He was actually someone I cared for a long time ago.  Even though we don’t see eye to eye on most things, I knew he would be brutally honest with me.  And he was.  Within moments I knew what he was saying was truth.  My chest lost the 100lb brick it had on it earlier.  I could breathe normally.  I felt peace and no confusion about my decision.  God did not use anyone I thought He would.  He used a person I would least expect Him to use.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt, this was not the way for me, for us.

Over that weekend, someone said to me “Sarah, you just can’t do nothing and expect God to just place someone in your lap.”  My question to them is “Why not?”  Why can’t I expect God to be God and be all He says He is and make me “trip” over someone?  I don’t want to make anything happen.  I want to be where God wants and needs me to be and in the process of obeying, He will bring that person to where I am.  So, by me obeying, aren’t I doing something?  Aren’t I listening? Aren’t I going where He goes, serving where He wants me to serve and loving people like He loves me?  So am I really doing nothing?  I don’t think I am doing nothing, I think I am doing all that I am suppose to be doing.

Sunday in my quiet time I told God I didn’t want to be fearful of anyone or anything.  I didn’t want to fear death, fear that rent wasn’t going to be paid, fear that the car wouldn’t be repaired, fear that the girls wouldn’t have all that they need, or fear that I wouldn’t meet someone to share hearts, life, and love with; the way God ordained it.  Then I read this in my daughters’ devotions that I read over them daily.  It says:

“The fear of God is having a deeply committed respect, love, and reverence for God's authority and power.  It means being afraid of what life would be like without Him and being grateful that because of His love we'll never have to experience such despair.  It means hungering for all that God is and all that He has for us.”

For me, fearing the Lord is not having to fear ANYTHING else in this world.  If you need answers, He will give them to you.   The answers might be immediate, maybe in quiet time, by a parent, a child, a spiritual covering, a friend, or someone you never thought He’d use.  I got to remind myself, every day, to keep my eyes open and my spirit in check with my heart and its desires.

 

“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”  Matthew 7:11