Feelings

April 22, 2013

I can’t believe it has been over a month since my last blog.  These past 5 weeks have been challenging for my family and I.  Gabby, my oldest daughter has had some medical issues.  I didn’t doubt for a moment in the healing that I knew my God would provide.  Even though she had a lot of pain, tears, and questions, we fought through it and we came out with our faith stronger and our family closer.  I hate that we have to walk through these trials but God says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that testing your faith develops perseverance.” James 1:2-4 

My last blog entry shared about the closure my family had with Chris.  He received his consequences of his actions.  I was not sure exactly where I was going to go from there.  All the “action” was gone.  I didn’t think people would care to read anymore.  But to my surprise, people wanted more.  I got emails and text asking me when I was going to post again.  I just was not sure what else I could write about.  If I were to continue, I knew God would tell me what needed to be heard.  I was dealing with a battle inwardly that only a few people knew about.  I had to wait, seek God, and forgive myself and others before I continued to write.  If I learned anything in this life, be careful what you say, you can’t take those words back. 

I knew when I started this blog that not everyone was going to agree with me.  Not everyone was going to understand.  Not everyone would share their dirty laundry the way I did.  Now, if you think for a moment I enjoyed sharing my most horrible moments and decisions in my life, reality checks are needed.  I wanted to be as real and raw with those who needed to hear where I came from and where I am now, so that they could have hope too.  I also knew that not everyone would believe I had walked through enough healing to talk so vividly about my past and my life with Chris.  I accepted that and I knew God would help me through that if it came to that point of someone voicing their disapproval.  Well that disapproval came from someone very unexpectedly and someone I had a lot of respect for.  It tore me up inside that this person felt so strongly about my reasoning’s and intentions.  I was so mad and I felt belittled.  I felt like a child being reprimanded by my parents (which let me clear up, it was not my parents.) 

I let these words not only eat me up inside but I questioned myself, my reasons for my blog, and hearing my Heavenly Father.  I have come to the realization that Satan will use anyone to make you doubt yourself, whether it is your spouse, children, parent, church family, a friend, or family member.  I doubted myself and all the reasons why I started my blog.  Then of course I wondered how many other people felt this way and just pretended around me.  Due to my parents, my daughters, great advisors, and my senior pastor, I dusted myself off and re-evaluated things.  I had to realize that this person(s) are not perfect.  They make mistakes as well.  They are good people but only God really knows my heart and knows how much healing I have walked through.  Nobody but God has been with me in those quiet moments of my face on the floor, soaked with tears.  Nobody but God has heard my inner most being beg for healing, forgiveness, wisdom, knowledge, and clarity.  My family and those close to me had some idea.  They could see the changed woman in front of their eyes.  But even them, they really didn’t know my most intimate moments with my Father, my God, my Healer.

Whether intentions were selfish or truly looking out for me and my daughters, I guess only they and God will know the truth.  And you know what, that is ok.  My mom mentioned something to me in a comment in my last blog, and it made me feel so much better (thanks mom, AGAIN!)  “I respect and honor the Holy Spirit in you, and if you felt like He led you to write this blog then who am I or anyone to tell you that you did not.  For argument sake, let's say you heard Him wrong, the fact remains, you acted in faith and there is nothing God loves more than us acting in faith, besides He is God, He can redeem anything. If you wrote something you shouldn't have, I think He can handle that too. There is nothing too big for Him.” 

Of course I got great encouragement from my dad as well, whether he knows it or not, he encourages me often, just by being him.  I wasn’t quite over the anxiety, the hurt feelings, and the utter lost for what to do next.  So, there was another voice I needed to hear from.  Someone I try not to run to with all my problems, just the big ones (ha-ha), because I know how busy he is and how much people need him, my pastor and friend, Mike Devine.  He has read every single one of my blogs.  He knows all about Sarah from my past, even before reading my blogs.  I have given him permission to put me in my place when I need to be.  I have put a lot of responsibility on him when it comes to my daughters and I (and our future) and he has humbly accepted that covering in our lives.  Sitting in his office, he let me have it all out, say my piece, and then just stopped me.  He spoke words of wisdom with clarity, he made me understand things that I wasn’t aware of, and was very honest with me about his feelings (didn’t doubt he would).  I walked out of there feeling like 100lbs were lifted off of my chest. 

My dad always says “Feelings are just feelings, they aren’t right or wrong.”  I guess what he means is what we do with those feelings, how we act, and how we treat others with those feelings could be the right or wrong.  Even though I believe those words I have to wonder if I believe it 100%.  I know when I am sitting in our chair snuggled up with one my daughters, them in my arms, safe and sound, love all around…those feelings, they are right to me.  Maybe it isn’t the feeling that is right, maybe it is what we are doing is right??  Hmmm…maybe my dad is right after all J