Forgiveness

February 6, 2013

It was July 2011 and so much has changed.  Our lives turned inside out and upside down (as a friend said) but God heard me cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (Psalm 40:1-2)  God was stirring my heart about Chris and how his actions affected so many lives, not just ours.  There were so many people he hurt.  There were his other 2 kids, his parents, and his family.  Even though his parents were not very nice to me after Chris was arrested, I had to acknowledge that their hearts were breaking too.  They were not going to have any more birthday celebrations, no more Thanksgiving dinners, no more Christmas mornings, and just any day of the week hang outs.  Does it excuse how they treated the girls and I, no, but I needed to feel for those all around me. 

God told me I needed to forgive.  The forgiveness didn’t start with Chris though.  I began a journal (I called it “From the Inside Out”) while I was in counseling and in this journal I began to walk through the men in my life that took from me; whether it was my biological father that abandoned me, men that took my purity, or men that didn’t show me the love of Jesus growing up.  As the names came forth I prayed over them, I prayed over myself, and then I released our pieces back to one another.   When I got to Chris, I stopped.  I was blocked.  I just couldn’t do it.  No way was I going to release him from his actions.  But I kept feeling a nagging.  I just wanted God to be quiet.  I heard Him say one day “Pray for him.”  There God was again, out of his mind.  Pray for Chris?  Was God joking?  I said to Him “Ok, I will pray for him God but I won’t like it, not one bit!” 

A few weeks passed and the girls and I were getting excited about the Kids Camp coming up.  I have been to two camps with Covenant and each year something big and wonderful happened.  I went with expectations.  On August 7, 2011 I forgave Chris, released it ALL!!  It didn’t mean I wouldn’t have more to forgive him of or there might be times where I have to give it all to God again.  But I had to release him to God.  Chris wasn’t my responsibility anymore.  Let me clear something up before people start “talking”. This didn’t mean I accepted what he did or approved of it.  It didn’t mean I had to or wanted to reconcile, it just meant I had to release my anger and hatred and I had to move on with my healing. 

After I came home from camp, I was exciting about my journal entry.  I was able to finish my journal, or so I thought.  I wrote it all down about Chris, all of it, every last little sickening, disgusting, and disturbing detail.  As I cried, forgave, and quit breathing a few times, I was done.  “No you’re not.”  Oh gosh, what did He want now?  I was done.  I knew I was done.  I didn’t have anyone else to forgive.  “Yes you do.”  I had no idea who he was talking about.  I reread through the whole journal and no answer came to me.  Oh God who else?  “YOU!”

I never broke down so hard in my life, not even after Chris left.  I mean face on the ground, snot on the carpet, face red with anger and unworthiness breaking down.  How could I do it?  How could I forgive myself?  How I could forgive all I ever done?  How I could forgive myself for making another bad choice in a man again?  How I could forgive myself for hurting my beautiful and precious daughters?  Nope, no way, it wasn’t going to happen.  “WHY?”  God, I can’t.  I don’t deserve it.  Don’t ask me to forgive myself.  “Why?”  Was He not listening to me?  I had messed up, way too much.  I could forgive others, I could let God forgive me, but I wasn’t going to forgive myself.  My past defined me.  It made me who I was, I couldn’t let go.  Your past is gone Sarah, your past I don’t even remember, your future and what you do with it my daughter is what defines you.”  Yep, you guessed it.  I broke!  My body went limp; the Spirit swooped in and took over.  The healing that took place that day, I could try to explain but I wouldn’t give it justice. 

After that day, I saw someone I never met before.  I looked in the mirror but it was not me.  It was someone new.  I saw a beautiful, strong, God fearing, but vulnerable woman.  For the first time ever in my life, I liked who I saw in the mirror.  I saw for the first time what God saw every time he looked at me.  He gave me His eyes to see who I was becoming and who I was going to be.  Oh thank you God!!  I am a new being, a new person, a new Sarah.  I wasn’t Sarah a wife, Sarah a girlfriend, or even Sarah a mother; I was Sarah, a Kings Daughter, His Daughter!!  And my Daddy thought I was beautiful and precious.   He thought I was a gem and He was going to refine His gem.  Oh that love I felt that day, it hasn’t left my side.  I knew that my King, my Father, my Daddy loved his daughter, and that daughter was…me!