Humble Pie

January 16, 2013

First thing I did was reach out to the family pastor (since I knew him more) and expressed to him that I needed to apologize to the senior pastor.  He forwarded my email to him and I was overwhelmed with this man’s acceptance of not only my apology but his willingness to apologize for what I felt was done wrong to me (which was nothing, it was the devil that made me feel he like he didn’t care).  So with his acceptance, I walked back into Covenant, for the 4^th time in 5 years, with my head buried and my shame bouncing off of me like a ray of lights.  Have you felt a pain in your chest where you felt like a 200lb brick was holding you down, like a drowning sensation almost?  That is what I felt that day.  The devil was reeling me in for my biggest embarrassment ever!!  I wanted so bad to run out of there with my tail between my legs and never return.  But, Pastor Mike was expecting me; I couldn’t disappoint him, not after him being so nice. 

I sat there, my girls and I, during the praise and worship, and through the word I could feel everyone’s stares.  Oh, I know what they were thinking.  Yes, they put a smile on their face and seemed happy to see us.  They bragged on how big and pretty the girls were.  But inside they were calling me “ungrateful”, “traitor”, “sinner”, “adulterer”, “failure”.  Then, Pastor Mike came up to me, and told me he was glad I came, hugged us, and in that hug, that 200lb brick disappeared.  He had to of prayed over me in just that 5 seconds, I knew it!  I knew I had a very long road ahead of me but I was going to run…run to Him, not away from Him, not anymore!!

It took me sometime to accept that not everyone was calling me all those names I thought they were.  It took me sometime to not feel ashamed by being back.  It took me sometime to know that this time; it was going to be different.  I started back talking to Miss Gilda and those talks were helping.   I wanted to be a woman after God’s heart like her when I grew up!!  At church, we were on a study about intimacy vs. knowledge and that was a wide eye opener for me.  I knew God, or knew about God, but did I have a real relationship with Him?  I had no idea how to.  My biological father gave me no guidance, for the most part men in my life didn’t help either, and Chris, well, he was in his own world.  How was I going to get to know a being that was suppose to be my Father, my Husband, my Provider, my Everything without a clue on how to even start and someone invisible to me?  My only answer was to talk to Him and tell Him I had no idea how.  He knew it already anyways. 

My first step in church was me starting a Sunday school class with Miss Claudette.  She was starting a lesson from a book called “Praying to Change Your Life.”  I needed that.  I had no idea how to pray.  It was easy stuff, Chris, my kids, me.  I wasn’t praying about nothing of real significance or so I thought.  The most important thing I walked out of that lesson/book was on forgiveness.  I had to start forgiving Chris and it didn’t mean what he did was ok, or I had to accept it but I had to forgive him, if I wanted God to forgive me.  That led me to another Sunday school class called “Love’s Journey” with Pastor Nathan.

I began to share with Pastor Nathan and his wife Miss Suzette that I didn’t want to walk away from my marriage but I didn’t know how I was ever going to respect, honor, trust, and nonetheless love this man again.  He wasn’t going to church and he wasn’t making any life changes.   I remembered the first time I heard Pastor Nathan say in class “You have to love your spouse, like Jesus loves you.”  I was like “yeah right, this fool doesn’t know what he is talking about”.  (I say that with a lot of love Nathan!!)  But I gave it a try.  I prayed to God.  If God wanted to heal this marriage, He was going to have to make me love Chris, and do whatever it took to get me there. 

All I can say is; be careful what you give God permission to do…