(In this entry I will be sharing some from my personal journal. I will let you know when those times come up in the blog.)
Everyday my love grew for Chris. I prayed for him every day, several times a day sometimes. I made my moves intentionally. I hugged, smiled, kissed, left notes, texted, and called on purpose. That foolish comment that Pastor Nathan stated about loving your spouse like God loves you, it started to not look so foolish. My heart was melting. My desires were stirring. I couldn’t wait to get home to him and to my family. I started to care about my appearance so I began to work out. I wanted to not only feel good for myself but I wanted to look good for him. In a year I lost 27lbs and 29.5 inches and I was feeling proud of myself. I wanted him to never have a need to look at another woman. I wanted to be his only woman and I wanted him to be my only man, the way God intended it to be. It almost seemed that just one day it all made sense to me. I had forgiven myself, I had forgiven him, I had forgiven his parents, and life was good. I can honestly say it was getting there but it wasn’t good yet and I wanted it to be GREAT! Was Chris a good man with a good heart, yes he was. But was he a good man with a Godly heart, I didn’t believe so. I wanted him so badly to be the leader of our home. I wanted him to give his all to God. I wanted him to be a Godly man and be the man that I KNEW God called him to be. I knew God could do it, I have seen it happen before. And I had faith (more than a mustard seed) and I knew God was going to give me the husband and daddy that the girls and I were so desperately praying for.
March 8, 2011 Journal Entry
What an amazing weekend. It was the weekend of “Love of a Lifetime” at church. Nathan and Suzette Grooms just out did themselves. We had dinner on Saturday the 5th. I invited Suzanne and Billy. The girls went with Kaitlyn into their special class. The food was yummy, entertainment was hilarious, and the word was amazing. At the end of the night, Nathan played this song called “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real. I love this song. As we stood there, listening to the song, being in his arms, I knew that my heart belonged to him again. My heart belonged to him like never before. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. I know we are going to be ok, more than ok; we are going to make it!!
The next morning we had a breakfast for our Sunday school class. I was sitting with Chris Ann & Terry Somers and Christie & Gideon Anthony. I was talking about the dinner the night before and how much I knew it was going to change my marriage, when Chris lays his hand on my back. Earlier that morning I felt You ask me to invite him to church so I left him a note. He ended up waking up 5mins after we left for church. Not only was he there the whole service of church but most of Sunday school too!!! I was one happy wife when I saw him, I cried, and jumped up yelling “baby!” There were ladies crying at the tables when they saw this. I remember those ladies, the ones at our table, Heather Lineberger, Angie Tate, Holly Cox, and Jessie Townsend. I looked up and Pastor Nathan was smiling that smile of his and gave me a thumb up. It was wonderful. At the end of worship we sung “I Called, You Answered” by Hillsong United. Chris held me, sobbing, and I heard him singing the words to the song . YES LORD YES!! Thank you thank you!!!! You are stirring his heart. You are pulling his heart strings. You are showing him the kind of man that he needs to be. You are answering my prayers Jesus, thank you!
March 18, 2011 Journal Entry
On the same note as last time, Chris called me yesterday and said “I am starting to like your kind of worship music.” He heard a song from Skillet (a Christian rock band) and was floored it was Christian. I am loving this, so loving this. The girls and I are getting baptized this Sunday. He was suppose to work but is not now. As much as we need the money, I am thrilled he is going to be there. I think he’s going to bring Destiny too. COOL!! I am a happy lady. I am so blessed beyond words. (Back to present time) The girls and I were so happy to be getting baptized; it was Sunday March 20, 2011. It was a beautiful day. It was our way as mother and daughters taking a stand as a family that God was in control and He had our hearts and lives. I took a sobbing moment and expressed to “those people” that I was so grateful that they never gave up on me through the years and more so, that Jesus didn’t either. As we one by one got water baptized, we were expressing our first act in preparing for us our future. At that moment, we had no idea just how much He was preparing us through that baptism. Just 2 days later, He gave us an idea…
Good writing, honey! I had forgotten you guys had just been baptized just days before. My heart broke again for you remembering where you had come from in your marriage to where you arrived and then to the days leading to you and Chris at church up to what will come. It makes it that much more sad. I'm sure you had to have asked God, "Why bring me to forgiveness and falling in love with my hubby again to to this." I hope you understand why now. It would have been very easy to have gotten very disillusioned, a lot of people would have, but if you did for even a moment, you didn't show it. I'm very proud of you for not throwing up your hands in defeat but in surrender and trust instead.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much mama!! This for sure was a wound opener but it healed me some more too. I know now why God did it the way He did. It hurt much more but it taught me much more as well.
DeleteVery Good lady! I know this one was hard. Like Mama said, surely you must have asked God 'Why go through all this healing in me and Chris and our marriage just to have it end!!'. Keep up the good work. I suspect that you are getting more out of this than the readers. I love you Sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much papa! I did, and we talked about why I think He made me walk through it and I will share on the later.
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