My Mending Heart

January 18, 2013

I continued to go to Love’s Journey, I was learning so much about love.  I was learning about love in general, not just towards Chris but people.  So I made a decision, I was going to do this; I was going to change Chris!!  Oops, what did I say?  I said “I was going to change Chris.”  Does anyone have a “Laugh Out Loud” button to push?  Ha-ha!!  I found out the change was not going to happen in Chris by me changing him, but allowing God to change me, FIRST!  Yep, I had to change first and leave Chris alone. Did God have any idea what He was talking about?  I mean really??  God was telling a woman that had to be in charge, in control of ALL THINGS, and had to have the final say, to stop focusing on Chris and change my heart.  I thought God was out of His mind but I was willing to give anything a try.  God started me off by praying for Chris, but not for him to change, but to allow God to do what He needed to do in Chris’s life, without my two sense.  OUCH!

As the girls and I continued to go to church and I prayed for my heart change, not only did my heart change but my whole demeanor did.  I began to be nice to Chris.  I begin doing little things for him, without thinking sometimes.  I started to forgive Chris and his family.  It wasn’t overnight, it took some time as I kept praying and asking God to show me how to forgive people who hurt me so badly and caused such a rife in my marriage.  In the meantime, God was showing me how my heart was changing towards people in general.  I started to really care for people.  I started to trust people.  I started to love people.  God took a person who always cared when others hurt to a person who had empathy for people.  There is a difference.  Trust me.  It was nothing I did on my own, God did it, but it seems to be easier when there is a willing party.  Things were getting so good that Chris and I talked about him adopting the girls, which he later did; the girls became “Johnsons” on February 17, 2010.  I knew this was going to make us a real family.    

I started working for a Chiropractor in South Charlotte in May 2010, after 5 years of being an at home mom.  I was only working part time (which I wanted) but it was good for me.  It was to good get out the house some, make contribution to my family, and I enjoyed my role at home more as well.  I missed taking care of patients.  I missed making people feel good and feel special.  My co-worker Valerie was awesome, and a Christian lady too.  We made a great team.  It was nice to have her there especially since my boss wasn’t much into the whole “God thing”.  He even expressed to me at one point that he didn’t want me sharing with him about my church, our activities, etc with him.  I respected his wishes but I didn’t have much respect for him as a person, boss, as someone who was lost.  (God dealt with me on that too, I will share that in a later blog.)      

The guilt of the affair began to take its toll on me.  Chris was trying to be a better man and I could see myself slowly falling back in love with my husband.  All I could think about was I had this secret that ate me upside.  And this secret was going to destroy what we had been working on the past year.  How was I going to tell Chris that I lied, his dad was right, I cheated, and ask for his forgiveness, especially when I could not forgive myself?  Oh my relationship with God had grown leaps and bounds, but to forgive myself for whom I have hurt in my life, that wasn’t going to happen.  No way!  One day after work, I came up with a grand idea.  I was going to tell him that I knew someone that cheated on her husband but she was so grieved by her decision and it made her sick.  Tell him that she loved him so much.  I asked him how he felt about someone cheating on someone and what they should do it they were very sorry, if she should tell her husband or let it go and release him of that pain.  I asked him if he would like to know.  If he knew I cheated, which I think deep down he did, he set me free that day.  He told me, “If she is really truly sorry and knew there was no way she would do it again, like if you did, I would rather not know.  But if I were ever find out of it happening again, I would leave you.”  I hugged him and told him thank you, I would be sure to let my friend know what you thought. 

I have heard people say there is a difference between conviction and condemnation.  I always thought they meant the same thing so I wasn’t sure which I was feeling.  I went to 2 people to get there Godly thoughts on the differences.  I came to realize that conviction is when you feel bad for something you done wrong (truly and heartfelt); either to God, someone else, or to yourself.  Condemnation is from the devil.  It leaves you feeling guilty and hopeless.  I had Miss Claudette pray over me at church one day (because she is filled with the Holy Spirit and she figured out what I was talking about an email one day about how to forgive myself over something so horrible to someone, yet they didn’t want to know) and when she prayed over me, I felt something leave my body.  I felt sick to my stomach and my insides were yelling for her to stop but my heart was yelling, FREEDOM!  That morning I was released of that bondage and I forgave myself.  Did that condemnation ever try to sneak up on me?  Of course it did!  But when I told that feeling to leave in Jesus name, it did.  After church that day I went home and I felt a new strength, a new fight, and a new heart.  I was going to give this marriage my all.  My marriage was worth fighting for and I knew God was going to heal it, completely.  And healed it He did…