Secrets Unfold

January 25, 2013

As I lay in our chair with my girls, I texted Chris to come home, it was time. He had enough time alone. I couldn’t stand being alone without him anymore that day. I needed him home. A little while later he returned. I can’t tell you how I felt when I saw him really. I was torn between being happy he was ok and wanting to ask him a thousand questions. But something (my heart, my spirit, whatever you like to call it) suggested it was not the time for the question game. It was time to protect my girls and let them feel as normal as possible.

It seemed that each day passed with more questions and more answers from Chris came along. He was starting to open up with me. He was starting to share his secret with me. I just wanted to know when the agents said “child”, what did that mean exactly. Chris got me and my parents believing it was a onetime ordeal. He was on another adult site and someone introduced him to it and he was just sickened by the fact. I knew he was involved in the adult pornography but I truly felt God telling me to let Him deal with Chris on it. So I did. Each day it was another secret. I got out of him that it was 16 and 17 year old kids that was on the site he ended up going on. Even though that still made me sick, I felt like maybe it was something we could try and work through. Just like an affair, some people could work through it and some people just can’t, or won’t. I wanted to believe in Chris, I wanted to believe in us, and I wanted to believe that God could heal my marriage, even more than he already had. I felt so happy that Chris was sharing with me. He was opening his heart and I thought his secret was killing him.

I believed that Chris was so disgusted with himself and what he did. He would physically get sick, cry, and he was for once praying with me and reading the Bible with me. Chris started counseling with Pastor Nathan immediately and anytime the doors were open at church, he wanted to be there. He didn’t want to be home by himself. He would come and sit up with me at work after he got off just so I wouldn’t have to second guess him. He would listen to worship music without my suggestion. I saw a new man. I saw a man that was sorry. I saw a man that was broken. I felt this desire to be close to him even though I couldn’t let my guard down. I still felt betrayed. I still felt he lied to me. I still felt there was more to his story.

I called my sister Linda, oh how I missed her. She is not my biological sister but we have known each other for 20 years, so we call ourselves “chosen sisters.” She was living (and still is living) in England while this was happening in our lives. She was always the one there for me. I was mad that she wasn’t there but God showed me later, that was a part of His plan as well. I called her and expressed to her this desire I had for Chris. I know gross right? I had desire for a man that I was learning was a stranger to me, to our family. I asked her how I could feel like being his wife in every aspect during this mess. I remember her telling me “If you feel like God is telling you it is ok, than it is ok, he is your husband.” I am not going to go into a lot of detail here but needless to say, God showed me what it meant by your body being your husband’s that night. Even though I was scared to death and I was not completely trusting Chris, I was completely trusting God. God wanted to show me something beautiful and incredibly special that night. I hate to even imagine that night but God gave me this night for a reason that I didn’t realize until later. This was 5 days after the FBI was at my home.

We went to church the next morning as a family, a new family, a God fearing family. Chris came to Sunday school with me and then to church afterwards. I remember going to the alter with him and people coming to pray over us. This was it!! This was what I was praying for. This is what I was waiting for the last two years. It was happening, I could see it. My prayers were being answered. Monday night, Gabby and Chris went for the regular cook out Monday dinner dates. Tuesday, he surprised us at Katie’s gymnastics class. He had never been to one of her practices. He showed up with a rose in his hand for me. When Katie saw her daddy there, I think she did a cart wheel in mid air. He took Gabby outside to the truck, held her hand, and said “I would never hurt you; I will always be your forever daddy.”

That night, I went home and began to work out. Chris was about to leave to go get his other kids from their mom’s house. As he was getting his shoes on, I called him back to me to give him a kiss goodbye. I smiled and say “I love you today.” That was something we came up within that week of our mess. He didn’t want to hear “I love you always” or “I love you forever”. He just wanted me to love him that day, so we decided to say “I love you today.” Who would have thought, this was going to be the last time I was ever going to hear those words come from my mouth. After I worked out, I started dinner. I was making spaghetti (my step-daughters favorite) and life was good. God gave me such peace about Him protecting my family. I knew we were going to make it through this journey. We were going to come out strong and we were going to be a testimony of love prevailing.

In my thought, a noise out of nowhere, within the silence, interrupted my happy place. I knew who it was without even looking. It was those mean people coming back to my house to bring chaos into my family, again!! It’s only been a week, a week!!! What happened to several months? What happened to “go on living life.” I was trying!!! Again, I heard the knock at my front door, “BOOM BOOM BOOM!!”