Trust

February 1, 2013

The Monday following the girls were at my parents and I had some quiet time to myself. I was standing in my kitchen and I yelled at God. Yep, I yelled!! Was I mad at Him, was I turning my back on Him, no way! He didn’t do this to my family. God gave Chris a free will to make the right choices, like He does for everyone. Chris chose to listen to the evilness and not to God. He chose to throw our family away. Chris chose to change the course of our lives forever. There was no fixing it, no redoing what he had done, and if God thought I was going to forgive him, that was not going to happen, ever! In a moment, I knew I could not do this anymore. I could not walk through this part of my life. I lifted my hands, with tears down my face, broken, and yelled “God I can’t do this. Take this burden from me. I trust you! I need you to carry this for me. I have no idea what is going to happen but you do and I will walk along with you every step of the way.”

I have never seen the love of God through people the way I did in the months after this. Of course my parents were helping me in every way possible that they could. Their love and support through all this blows my mind really. It almost seemed like they put a hold on their lives to help me pick up the pieces of ours. I can’t thank them enough! There was people from Chris’s work, from my church family, teachers from the girl’s school, and people on face book pouring out love and encouragement. I didn’t share with everyone, especially on face book the truth but people knew that Chris and I weren’t together anymore. Everywhere I turned we were being blessed and I was just so overwhelmed by it all. I couldn’t even keep up with telling Papa God thank you enough for taken such great care of His girls and blessing us beyond our wildest dreams.

Time seemed to spin out of control, it was almost 4 months later and it was hard, I was only working part time but decided when the girls started back to school the next school year, I will go full-time. I wanted to have that summer with them, just us, after all that mess. God seemed to provide for that time I so desperately needed and wanted for us. The girls and I lost our home but God so perfectly timed a new adorable 3bedroom home for us to rent, almost instantly (thanks to a dear friend of mine). We so loved it there. There we began to heal. We felt safe; I called it our “Safe Haven”. It was in a nice neighborhood and it was home to us. The girls and I were both in counseling. Great ladies we all had. The girls had a lady named Sara and I had Linda and they were both Christians!! We were doing good most days. We were staying close (especially Gabby and me…closer than ever!) She was pretty hurt and damaged by all this but I knew God was going to help us through this and we all would be stronger women because of it.

I was learning a lot in my counseling sessions. Linda was really amazing. I didn’t go as long as I thought I was going to need to. She said it was because of my good attitude. She said I had a good attitude about not blaming myself for what Chris did. She said I had a good attitude about not dating anyone and taking time for myself, the girls and I, and my walk with God. This was a time of healing for us. It was not time for Sarah to get caught up in another man. April 10, 2011 I made a vow to God to take a year (at least) and let it just be the girls and I. I wanted to build a healthy relationship with Father God before I even thought about a relationship with a man. That alone was a miracle. The old Sarah would have jumped into another man’s arms and most likely in his bed!

I wanted to be a new me. I wanted to be complete in God. I didn’t want a man in my life to feel as if I was not worth something without him. I needed to find my worth in God. God took me on a journey of expressing how beautiful I was, by how He looked at me. I was his baby girl. I was a Kings Daughter. I was precious, cherished, adored, wanted, and loved. This took some time for me to really gasp, especially without the love of a father on Earth my whole child hood. But what was starting to help me was I had a WONDERFUL daddy now. He is my step dad and I could not of hand picked a better man to be that role in my life. I was already grown with a child when he met my mom. I could care less for a daddy but God knew, even then, my step dad was going to be my daddy and he was going to make a difference in my life.

This means more to me now than ever because to say it nicely, I was not a good daughter growing up to my mom. I made my mother’s life a living hell after I turned 13. She tried her best and her best was never good enough for me. I said things, did things that I so wish I could take back. Our relationship was not quite the same for a long time, probably for about 10 years or longer. I broke her heart more than I like to admit. I saw her cry with no effect on my life more than I like to say. Yes we loved each other but there wasn’t much of a relationship. We would get a glance of one and I would start acting stupid and selfish, AGAIN! It wasn’t until Katie was born that our friendship began to rebuild. Trust began to rebuild. During this time my step-dad and I had not much of a relationship either. I liked him, he was good to my mom but I didn’t need him to be a father to me. He was too late for that role in my life, or so I thought. God had different plans for our family. He was going to make our family into everything I have ever wanted and so much more. I love you Mama and Papa, to Heaven and back again!! xxoxxo