January 9, 2013
Some readers might
be wondering what I mean by my "defining wilderness." Last May,
during a ladies' Bible study at my church, author Claudette Scott shared a
portion of her next manuscript with us on "Hidden Treasures of the
Wilderness." She explained that those of us who are serious about going
deeper in our relationship with Jesus will definitely walk through the
wilderness with Him. This journey will "define" and
"refine" us in life-changing ways. Therefore, I have borrowed this
term as the title of my blog, for my journey through the wilderness has
definitely "defined" my current walk with Jesus. I shared my testimony one evening. I also shared on forgiveness and
family bondage. The teachers of the
class Miss Claudette and Miss Gilda knew that in my heart grew a desire to
reach out to other women and help guide them in mending their brokenness. My
question was “But how?” That was
something I had to find out for myself. So, here I am. I want to share my
testimony but not for me. I want to share what I have walked through, to show
who I am today, because of who He is and what He has done in me. I am not sure
where to begin. Maybe from the beginning would be best so you can really see
what God has done for me. Walk with me through this journey. This journey I
call "My Defining Wilderness".
My name is Sarah Elizabeth. I was in born Florida and have been living in beautiful North Carolina for 9 years now. I am 34 years old with 2 daughters and they are my calling in this life. I didn't start off doing to great as a mom but I am in the process and going to end up being great! As a little girl, I knew what I wanted to do and be. A wife and a mommy, nothing less, nothing more. I didn't know what all it entailed but sign me up!! All I knew was my mommy loved me growing up, failing at times (like we all do), but she never gave up, on herself or me. That was enough. It was my mom and I most of the time. My father cared less to be around me but mom still shared about being married to a wonderful man and having babies, and waiting to get married.
At a young age I was shown a man's affection that no girl or child for that matter, should ever have to experience. And not just once, but multiple times. So by the time I was 13, I thought, well, this is what they like, this is what they will get. Meanwhile, since I was 8yrs old, my mom shared with me about God and His Word and why it was all important but I played church well. Did I ever feel it, feel Him, I am sure I did. But it never "stuck" for me, not along enough to make a difference. I think the one time it did stick, my youth pastor ruined it (or should I say I allowed my youth pastor to ruin it) for me. I was the example he used "not to be like".
I had no worth, no self respect, no love for myself and no desire to be anything more than what I was being and doing. Sadly, it wasn't a wife and a mommy anymore. I had to have a boyfriend, a guy, someone to make me feel special and loved, just by being with them. I never understood why the guys left, I thought I was doing everything right. Why wouldn't they stay? Why wouldn't any of them stay? I mean my own father, my biological father, he didn't stay. Not once but twice he left me. What was wrong with me?
I got pregnant by my best friend of 5 years at 18, could of done worse, right? We got the marriage annulled before I even had my daughter. After a few months, he realized we were better off friends and his new girlfriend would be better marriage material. Ouch!
When my daughter, Gabrielle (Gabby) was 6mths old I started dating this guy from my church. He came from a (what I thought) great Christian family. I didn't know that great Christian families had flaws too, haha! We dated for 4 yrs and got married. It was the longest 6 yrs of my life with him. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I allowed a man to keep me a secret from his family, until the day he planned a trip to propose (I was the psycho little girl that just wouldn't leave him alone). I learned that I allowed a man to put his hands on me and talk down to me, use me, and be his slave in more ways than I realized years later. I also learned that it was ok for him to have other girlfriends in his life, just as long as he came home to me. But it all changed when Gabby didn't want to come home one summer after spending time with my parents. I left and the only part that broke my heart was the step-daughter that I had to leave behind. She was apart of my life since she was 3 yrs old.
After this, my heart changed. I was hard and hated men. Could I still be with them and feel nothing, absolutely. It worked for them (men) so well, why not? But that didn't last long. God didn't make me a hater, He made me a lover. Well, that was my reasoning for restarting down the same path, again. I guess I didn't learn much. I was thinking about moving to North Carolina and leaving my past behind. I wanted to start over, a new start, a new beginning. And in what way to get started in doing that you ask? Get a new boyfriend in NC! REALLY? What was I thinking? But, if I was thinking, I wouldn't have Kaitlyn (Katie)! I remember sitting there in his living room, telling him, and his first words were "what about an abortion". After I said no, he suggested giving the baby up for adoption to his brother and sister-in-law (since they weren't able to have kids). Oh yeah sure, so he could be the doting "uncle". I think if I was little less lady like back then, I would of a said a four letter word with "you" behind it. But instead, I sat up, got my posture, and told him "Go to Hell". Because, that was just SO much better, right?
Ok, it was me and my babies against the world! We got this! And of course, with the help of my parents that were furious with me, again! Barefoot and 3mths pregnant (and with a 7yr old), what was I going to do. So, I looked into the phone book, found what I was looking for, and I walked into a church. What, a church? Pregnant, single mom of one already and walked into a church? I had lost my mind, but of course! Instead of these people judging me, throwing stones at me, and kicking me out the door; they opened their arms, their hearts, and their acceptance. Outside of my very best friend Linda, her family, and my parents, I have NEVER felt so much love. They loved on me, on Gabby, and the new baby girl that was on her way. When I went on bed rest, they helped my parents take care of us, in so many ways. A group of ladies (which I only knew one of the ladies there and met a new friend that I spoke to over the phone a few times with) threw me a baby shower and then I got visits at the hospital when I had Katie. I felt like "this is it, this is my new beginning."
That was until Katie was a few months old and the loneliness started to kick in and I met Chris...
Enough
January 11, 2013
(Now for those who go to Covenant, and went to church this morning you will understand why this entry is mind blowing to me. This next entry I wrote in Word because I had to share with Gabby about something of my past that she didn't know and I didn't want her to read it for the first time in my blog. Plus, I still wasn't ready to share this next entry. When God woke me up at 2:37am this morning and told me it was time to write the next chapter, I said "But, God, I am not ready! Let me go back to sleep!" God had another plan, normally does. I think this entry will be the hardest on me though, to let people see me for who I really WAS. It was the time when I fell so far from God that I was worthless, I didn't deserve Him to be in my life, and He should of gave up on me. Sound like something that our beloved Pastor taught us today? So, by not posting this when I wrote it, it only proves to me that how much My Jesus really does love me. And it also proves to me that my daughter, even though Gabby was shocked, it didn't make her look at me differently because of who I am today. She gave me hope that I didn't have when I first wrote it to share it, thank you Gabby, I love you.)
(To take off from where the 1st blog ended)
We have been at Covenant for a year now. We have met some great people. I was a changed person right? Nope! Why did I fail, again? I had great people that loved me, loved us, and accepted me with all my faults. Why did I keep doing this to myself? And worse, why did I keep making poor choices that continue to hurt these little girls that I called my daughters? Did I not realize I was going to have to answer for these horrible decisions that I made? And did I not realize that the results of sexual sin last a lifetime—often for the parents as well as the child (ren)? I guess not.
(Now for those who go to Covenant, and went to church this morning you will understand why this entry is mind blowing to me. This next entry I wrote in Word because I had to share with Gabby about something of my past that she didn't know and I didn't want her to read it for the first time in my blog. Plus, I still wasn't ready to share this next entry. When God woke me up at 2:37am this morning and told me it was time to write the next chapter, I said "But, God, I am not ready! Let me go back to sleep!" God had another plan, normally does. I think this entry will be the hardest on me though, to let people see me for who I really WAS. It was the time when I fell so far from God that I was worthless, I didn't deserve Him to be in my life, and He should of gave up on me. Sound like something that our beloved Pastor taught us today? So, by not posting this when I wrote it, it only proves to me that how much My Jesus really does love me. And it also proves to me that my daughter, even though Gabby was shocked, it didn't make her look at me differently because of who I am today. She gave me hope that I didn't have when I first wrote it to share it, thank you Gabby, I love you.)
(To take off from where the 1st blog ended)
We have been at Covenant for a year now. We have met some great people. I was a changed person right? Nope! Why did I fail, again? I had great people that loved me, loved us, and accepted me with all my faults. Why did I keep doing this to myself? And worse, why did I keep making poor choices that continue to hurt these little girls that I called my daughters? Did I not realize I was going to have to answer for these horrible decisions that I made? And did I not realize that the results of sexual sin last a lifetime—often for the parents as well as the child (ren)? I guess not.
I met Chris when Katie was 3mths old on an online dating
site. I knew I didn’t want to meet a creep at the bar so this had to be better,
so I thought. I didn’t really want anything
to do with him at first because he was not my type. But he didn’t give up and he was the first
guy to ever really chase me. It felt
kind of, nice. We talked for hours on
the phone for a few days and he seemed to be a good ole country boy. He was a single dad of two that loved his
kids and spent a lot of time with them.
He had a good stable job. So we
decided to meet. It went better than
expected. He showed up a “Jesus” t-shirt
and I was sold! “Yes, he’s a
Christian!!”
You will be surprised to know, that 3 days before we “met” I
prayed for him. Not only me, but Gabby
prayed for him. This had to be “the guy”!! God answered my/our prayer so fast!! What a God!!
He was so nice and outgoing. He
introduced me to his parents after a week, he even introduced me to his best
friend, good sign!! My parents really
liked him, I noticed most people did. He
was a great guy, all around!! Things
moved very fast with us. We moved in
with one another after 3mths, engaged after 4mths, and married within
9mths. Not that I have anything against
the time frame (minus the living together part) but I was so blind that I
didn’t even realize that I stopped praying and yep, you guessed it, stopped
going to church. For me, if I was living
in my sin, I couldn’t play church. I
couldn’t live my life the way I wanted to and go face God and those people at
Covenant, them knowing how I was living my life, after they were so faithful to
God for loving us, NO WAY! The further
we got into sexual sin, the further I ran from God. By the time we got married, there was no
suspense, no mystery, nothing to look forward to but getting away for a few
days. But, I did know I have never loved
anyone like I loved Chris. He had my
heart. Yep he had my heart, my broken, unhealthy,
and self serving heart!!!
The first year was pretty amazing. He gave me the chance to be a stay at home
mom. We began building our new home with
my dream kitchen. He gave me everything
I ever wanted, so I thought. After our
year anniversary, we came into a fork in the road. The man I thought I married was not who I
thought he was. He was not my protector,
he was not my prince, my knight and shining armor, and he didn’t defend me or
go to bat for me. We had some real uncomfortable
issues with his dad and instead of defending me, he defended his dad, and his
family tried to find any way to turn the blame on me. At one point, his father even accused me of
having an affair (how dare he?) and of course Chris believed him (how dare
he?). While I told him no, guess what, the answer was yes (the correct response
here is “how dare I”?). Sexual sin
didn’t stop after we got married, it continued.
It did not only continue with me but with him as well, and neither one
of us knew each other’s secrets but we sure invited them. (Please hear my heart, I was very ashamed of
my affair, and it broke my heart after the fact, on several occasions. The guilt saturated me. It took me a long time to walk through that
betrayal.)
I did try and go back to church at Covenant, a few times,
but they never lasted. I really didn’t
like myself and who I had become. Each
time I walked into those doors, I knew what “those” people thought of me. I knew “those” people judged me, looked down
on me, and once something didn’t go quite my way there, I checked out!!
Things surprisingly went from bad to worse. By my 30th birthday (and 3 short
years later) I had decided that this marriage was two people living together,
nothing less, nothing more. There was no
love, no respect, no joy, and no chance of healing. I got really addicted to online games, I
escaped from my real world to a fantasy world, a world nobody could hurt me and
I couldn’t hurt them. My relationship
with my daughters crashed. And before I
knew it, a year went by playing these games and I missed a time in Katie’s life
where she was very little that I would never get back!! My walk with God, well, it was nowhere in
sight. What was worse, I didn’t care! I prayed to get a great man, that was a
“Christian” and He gave me Chris? Was He
joking?? What did I do to deserve
this? Forget about not being on good
terms with God, we were on no terms. I
was so angry with God. And my life, with
Him, in my opinion, was over, there was no turning back. I was now the adulteress wife and yet another
marriage under my belt. What a failure I
had become!! This has been the furthest
I have ever been from God and God said “ENOUGH!
Time to really get your attention young lady!!!”...
David
January 14, 2013
The phone rings. “Granny is everything ok? “ I asked her. Please take note, I love my Granny, but she doesn’t make phone calls so when I saw her number, I was worried. I remember her asking if my mom was home (we lived right next door to each other at the time and I knew I could look right outside and tell her) and if she was, was she alone? Ok, now I am like really freaking out. I was adamant about why it was important to talk to her and why not alone. After some manipulation, I got it out of her. Those words I will never forget…”David is dead.” I literally fell to my knees in shock. The girls had already gone to sleep so I didn’t want to wake them but my insides were screaming, LOUD! As I cried a muffled cry, Chris came out of the room. I yelled to him to go get my mom and told him that my Uncle David died. He knew David, liked him, and knew how close I was with him. I remember in slow motion Chris opening the back door, slipping some shoes on, and was back with my mom. I handed her the phone, and told her it was Granny and she got “that” look on her face. When I said “David” I saw my mom turn white and her world crashing right before my eyes. I ran into my room and balled on my bed. I just saw David 3mths before this when I went for a visit to my hometown, not knowing it was going to be my last.
The phone rings. “Granny is everything ok? “ I asked her. Please take note, I love my Granny, but she doesn’t make phone calls so when I saw her number, I was worried. I remember her asking if my mom was home (we lived right next door to each other at the time and I knew I could look right outside and tell her) and if she was, was she alone? Ok, now I am like really freaking out. I was adamant about why it was important to talk to her and why not alone. After some manipulation, I got it out of her. Those words I will never forget…”David is dead.” I literally fell to my knees in shock. The girls had already gone to sleep so I didn’t want to wake them but my insides were screaming, LOUD! As I cried a muffled cry, Chris came out of the room. I yelled to him to go get my mom and told him that my Uncle David died. He knew David, liked him, and knew how close I was with him. I remember in slow motion Chris opening the back door, slipping some shoes on, and was back with my mom. I handed her the phone, and told her it was Granny and she got “that” look on her face. When I said “David” I saw my mom turn white and her world crashing right before my eyes. I ran into my room and balled on my bed. I just saw David 3mths before this when I went for a visit to my hometown, not knowing it was going to be my last.
My uncle had a struggle in life and it took his life, but
what his struggle was is not important for everyone to know. What is important is how his death (something
so heartbreaking) changed my world. We
planned a trip for his funeral and I was in high speed ahead. I had all this under control. I had to be strong. I had to be strong for my mom, my girls, my
Granny, and my family. I had no time to
grieve. Suck it up Sarah! And I did.
I took care of things that nobody else wanted to. I dealt with insurance issues, taking people
to the store because they were too upset to go themselves. I was the “go to person” because I later
found out by an aunt, I was the strong one of the family, and I had it
together.” Yep, I had together until I
walked into the funeral home, saying hello to everyone, giving hugs, and then
the door swung open to his casket. If
Chris was not right there, I would have fallen to the floor. I lost my marbles. It was real, he was gone, and he was never
coming back. I have been to a funeral
before, but not to someone that meant so much to me.
We made it back home and guess what I realized, Chris was
right there every moment. He was trying
to be my knight and shining armor, my champion, my protector. I looked at him differently. I wasn’t in love with him anymore at this
point but that moment he caught me from falling on the floor, my heart softened. I became very depressed and Chris begged me
to do something. Against my will, I went
to the doctor and went on some “feel good” medicine. I am so glad I did. I woke up one morning and decided to get on
my online game I was playing and tell everyone goodbye. It was about time to be a mom and maybe be
nice to Chris. I was more at peace,
calmer, and didn’t yell so much (the girls loved that part). As I was lying in bed one morning, I was
going over David’s funeral in my head.
Something was said that personally affected my heart that day. I stopped and in a moment I knew that I never
wanted to die without my family and friends having one doubt that I was in
Heaven with My God. Even though they
might be sad to lose me, they had peace I was going to meet My Creator. Something had to change, and it had to change
now.
Chris came home from work that night. I didn’t ask, I told him, “I am going back to
Covenant, you are not worth going to Hell over.” To my shock, he was in agreement with me. He wasn’t in agreement about going to church
(with me at least), but that he wasn’t worth me going to hell over. He didn’t like Covenant, but he knew deep
down, that was where I always wanted to be.
He told me to go. I told the
girls that night and remember Katie saying to me at 4yrs old “Mommy, how long
will we be there this time?” This
destroyed me but gave me to strength to say “until God tells me to leave.”
Before I could walk back into that church though, there was
something I had to do. I had to humble
myself, admit my complete selfishness, and ask my senior pastor’s forgiveness. How was I going to do this???
Humble Pie
January 16, 2013
First thing I did was reach out to the family pastor (since
I knew him more) and expressed to him that I needed to apologize to the senior
pastor. He forwarded my email to him and
I was overwhelmed with this man’s acceptance of not only my apology but his
willingness to apologize for what I felt was done wrong to me (which was
nothing, it was the devil that made me feel he like he didn’t care). So with his acceptance, I walked back into
Covenant, for the 4th time in 5 years, with my head buried and my
shame bouncing off of me like a ray of lights.
Have you felt a pain in your chest where you felt like a 200lb brick was
holding you down, like a drowning sensation almost? That is what I felt that day. The devil was reeling me in for my biggest
embarrassment ever!! I wanted so bad to
run out of there with my tail between my legs and never return. But, Pastor Mike was expecting me; I couldn’t
disappoint him, not after him being so nice.
First thing I did was reach out to the family pastor (since
I knew him more) and expressed to him that I needed to apologize to the senior
pastor. He forwarded my email to him and
I was overwhelmed with this man’s acceptance of not only my apology but his
willingness to apologize for what I felt was done wrong to me (which was
nothing, it was the devil that made me feel he like he didn’t care). So with his acceptance, I walked back into
Covenant, for the 4th time in 5 years, with my head buried and my
shame bouncing off of me like a ray of lights.
Have you felt a pain in your chest where you felt like a 200lb brick was
holding you down, like a drowning sensation almost? That is what I felt that day. The devil was reeling me in for my biggest
embarrassment ever!! I wanted so bad to
run out of there with my tail between my legs and never return. But, Pastor Mike was expecting me; I couldn’t
disappoint him, not after him being so nice.
I sat there, my girls and I, during the praise and worship,
and through the word I could feel everyone’s stares. Oh, I know what they were thinking. Yes, they put a smile on their face and
seemed happy to see us. They bragged on
how big and pretty the girls were. But
inside they were calling me “ungrateful”, “traitor”, “sinner”, “adulterer”,
“failure”. Then, Pastor Mike came up to
me, and told me he was glad I came, hugged us, and in that hug, that 200lb
brick disappeared. He had to of prayed
over me in just that 5 seconds, I knew it!
I knew I had a very long road ahead of me but I was going to run…run to
Him, not away from Him, not anymore!!
It took me sometime to accept that not everyone was calling
me all those names I thought they were.
It took me sometime to not feel ashamed by being back. It took me sometime to know that this time;
it was going to be different. I started
back talking to Miss Gilda and those talks were helping. I wanted to be a woman after God’s heart
like her when I grew up!! At church, we
were on a study about intimacy vs. knowledge and that was a wide eye opener for
me. I knew God, or knew about God, but
did I have a real relationship with Him?
I had no idea how to. My biological
father gave me no guidance, for the most part men in my life didn’t help
either, and Chris, well, he was in his own world. How was I going to get to know a being that
was suppose to be my Father, my Husband, my Provider, my Everything without a
clue on how to even start and someone invisible to me? My only answer was to talk to Him and tell
Him I had no idea how. He knew it
already anyways.
My first step in church was me starting a Sunday school
class with Miss Claudette. She was
starting a lesson from a book called “Praying to Change Your Life.” I needed that. I had no idea how to pray. It was easy stuff, Chris, my kids, me. I wasn’t praying about nothing of real
significance or so I thought. The most
important thing I walked out of that lesson/book was on forgiveness. I had to start forgiving Chris and it didn’t
mean what he did was ok, or I had to accept it but I had to forgive him, if I
wanted God to forgive me. That led me to
another Sunday school class called “Love’s Journey” with Pastor Nathan.
I began to share with Pastor Nathan and his wife Miss
Suzette that I didn’t want to walk away from my marriage but I didn’t know how
I was ever going to respect, honor, trust, and nonetheless love this man
again. He wasn’t going to church and he
wasn’t making any life changes. I
remembered the first time I heard Pastor Nathan say in class “You have to love
your spouse, like Jesus loves you.” I
was like “yeah right, this fool doesn’t know what he is talking about”. (I say that with a lot of love Nathan!!) But I gave it a try. I prayed to God. If God wanted to heal this marriage, He was
going to have to make me love Chris, and do whatever it took to get me
there.
All I can say is; be careful what you give God permission to
do…
My Mending Heart
January 18, 2013
I continued to go to Love’s Journey, I was learning so much about love. I was learning about love in general, not just towards Chris but people. So I made a decision, I was going to do this; I was going to change Chris!! Oops, what did I say? I said “I was going to change Chris.” Does anyone have a “Laugh Out Loud” button to push? Ha-ha!! I found out the change was not going to happen in Chris by me changing him, but allowing God to change me, FIRST! Yep, I had to change first and leave Chris alone. Did God have any idea what He was talking about? I mean really?? God was telling a woman that had to be in charge, in control of ALL THINGS, and had to have the final say, to stop focusing on Chris and change my heart. I thought God was out of His mind but I was willing to give anything a try. God started me off by praying for Chris, but not for him to change, but to allow God to do what He needed to do in Chris’s life, without my two sense. OUCH!
I continued to go to Love’s Journey, I was learning so much about love. I was learning about love in general, not just towards Chris but people. So I made a decision, I was going to do this; I was going to change Chris!! Oops, what did I say? I said “I was going to change Chris.” Does anyone have a “Laugh Out Loud” button to push? Ha-ha!! I found out the change was not going to happen in Chris by me changing him, but allowing God to change me, FIRST! Yep, I had to change first and leave Chris alone. Did God have any idea what He was talking about? I mean really?? God was telling a woman that had to be in charge, in control of ALL THINGS, and had to have the final say, to stop focusing on Chris and change my heart. I thought God was out of His mind but I was willing to give anything a try. God started me off by praying for Chris, but not for him to change, but to allow God to do what He needed to do in Chris’s life, without my two sense. OUCH!
As the girls and I continued to go to church and I prayed
for my heart change, not only did my heart change but my whole demeanor did. I began to be nice to Chris. I begin doing little things for him, without
thinking sometimes. I started to forgive
Chris and his family. It wasn’t
overnight, it took some time as I kept praying and asking God to show me how to
forgive people who hurt me so badly and caused such a rife in my marriage. In the meantime, God was showing me how my
heart was changing towards people in general. I started to really care for people. I started to trust people. I started to love people. God took a person who always cared when others
hurt to a person who had empathy for people. There is a difference. Trust me. It was nothing I did on my own, God did it,
but it seems to be easier when there is a willing party. Things were getting so good that Chris and I
talked about him adopting the girls, which he later did; the girls became
“Johnsons” on February 17, 2010. I knew
this was going to make us a real family.
I started working for a Chiropractor in South Charlotte in
May 2010, after 5 years of being an at home mom. I was only working part time (which I wanted)
but it was good for me. It was to good get
out the house some, make contribution to my family, and I enjoyed my role at
home more as well. I missed taking care
of patients. I missed making people feel
good and feel special. My co-worker
Valerie was awesome, and a Christian lady too.
We made a great team. It was nice
to have her there especially since my boss wasn’t much into the whole “God
thing”. He even expressed to me at one
point that he didn’t want me sharing with him about my church, our activities,
etc with him. I respected his wishes but
I didn’t have much respect for him as a person, boss, as someone who was
lost. (God dealt with me on that too, I
will share that in a later blog.)
The guilt of the affair began to take its toll on me. Chris was trying to be a better man and I
could see myself slowly falling back in love with my husband. All I could think about was I had this secret
that ate me upside. And this secret was
going to destroy what we had been working on the past year. How was I going to tell Chris that I lied,
his dad was right, I cheated, and ask for his forgiveness, especially when I could
not forgive myself? Oh my relationship
with God had grown leaps and bounds, but to forgive myself for whom I have hurt
in my life, that wasn’t going to happen.
No way! One day after work, I
came up with a grand idea. I was going
to tell him that I knew someone that cheated on her husband but she was so
grieved by her decision and it made her sick.
Tell him that she loved him so much.
I asked him how he felt about someone cheating on someone and what they
should do it they were very sorry, if she should tell her husband or let it go
and release him of that pain. I asked
him if he would like to know. If he knew
I cheated, which I think deep down he did, he set me free that day. He told me, “If she is really truly sorry and
knew there was no way she would do it again, like if you did, I would rather
not know. But if I were ever find out of
it happening again, I would leave you.”
I hugged him and told him thank you, I would be sure to let my friend
know what you thought.
I have heard people say there is a difference between
conviction and condemnation. I always
thought they meant the same thing so I wasn’t sure which I was feeling. I went to 2 people to get there Godly
thoughts on the differences. I came to
realize that conviction is when you feel bad for something you done wrong
(truly and heartfelt); either to God, someone else, or to yourself. Condemnation is from the devil. It leaves you feeling guilty and hopeless. I had Miss Claudette pray over me at church
one day (because she is filled with the Holy Spirit and she figured out what I
was talking about an email one day about how to forgive myself over something
so horrible to someone, yet they didn’t want to know) and when she prayed over
me, I felt something leave my body. I
felt sick to my stomach and my insides were yelling for her to stop but my
heart was yelling, FREEDOM! That morning
I was released of that bondage and I forgave myself. Did that condemnation ever try to sneak up on
me? Of course it did! But when I told that feeling to leave in
Jesus name, it did. After church that
day I went home and I felt a new strength, a new fight, and a new heart. I was going to give this marriage my all. My marriage was worth fighting for and I knew
God was going to heal it, completely.
And healed it He did…
Love Again
January 21, 2013
(In this entry I will be sharing some from my personal journal. I will let you know when those times come up in the blog.)
Everyday my love grew for Chris. I prayed for him every day, several times a day sometimes. I made my moves intentionally. I hugged, smiled, kissed, left notes, texted, and called on purpose. That foolish comment that Pastor Nathan stated about loving your spouse like God loves you, it started to not look so foolish. My heart was melting. My desires were stirring. I couldn’t wait to get home to him and to my family. I started to care about my appearance so I began to work out. I wanted to not only feel good for myself but I wanted to look good for him. In a year I lost 27lbs and 29.5 inches and I was feeling proud of myself. I wanted him to never have a need to look at another woman. I wanted to be his only woman and I wanted him to be my only man, the way God intended it to be. It almost seemed that just one day it all made sense to me. I had forgiven myself, I had forgiven him, I had forgiven his parents, and life was good. I can honestly say it was getting there but it wasn’t good yet and I wanted it to be GREAT! Was Chris a good man with a good heart, yes he was. But was he a good man with a Godly heart, I didn’t believe so. I wanted him so badly to be the leader of our home. I wanted him to give his all to God. I wanted him to be a Godly man and be the man that I KNEW God called him to be. I knew God could do it, I have seen it happen before. And I had faith (more than a mustard seed) and I knew God was going to give me the husband and daddy that the girls and I were so desperately praying for.
March 8, 2011 Journal Entry
What an amazing weekend. It was the weekend of “Love of a Lifetime” at church. Nathan and Suzette Grooms just out did themselves. We had dinner on Saturday the 5th. I invited Suzanne and Billy. The girls went with Kaitlyn into their special class. The food was yummy, entertainment was hilarious, and the word was amazing. At the end of the night, Nathan played this song called “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real. I love this song. As we stood there, listening to the song, being in his arms, I knew that my heart belonged to him again. My heart belonged to him like never before. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. I know we are going to be ok, more than ok; we are going to make it!!
The next morning we had a breakfast for our Sunday school class. I was sitting with Chris Ann & Terry Somers and Christie & Gideon Anthony. I was talking about the dinner the night before and how much I knew it was going to change my marriage, when Chris lays his hand on my back. Earlier that morning I felt You ask me to invite him to church so I left him a note. He ended up waking up 5mins after we left for church. Not only was he there the whole service of church but most of Sunday school too!!! I was one happy wife when I saw him, I cried, and jumped up yelling “baby!” There were ladies crying at the tables when they saw this. I remember those ladies, the ones at our table, Heather Lineberger, Angie Tate, Holly Cox, and Jessie Townsend. I looked up and Pastor Nathan was smiling that smile of his and gave me a thumb up. It was wonderful. At the end of worship we sung “I Called, You Answered” by Hillsong United. Chris held me, sobbing, and I heard him singing the words to the song . YES LORD YES!! Thank you thank you!!!! You are stirring his heart. You are pulling his heart strings. You are showing him the kind of man that he needs to be. You are answering my prayers Jesus, thank you!
March 18, 2011 Journal Entry
On the same note as last time, Chris called me yesterday and said “I am starting to like your kind of worship music.” He heard a song from Skillet (a Christian rock band) and was floored it was Christian. I am loving this, so loving this. The girls and I are getting baptized this Sunday. He was suppose to work but is not now. As much as we need the money, I am thrilled he is going to be there. I think he’s going to bring Destiny too. COOL!! I am a happy lady. I am so blessed beyond words. (Back to present time) The girls and I were so happy to be getting baptized; it was Sunday March 20, 2011. It was a beautiful day. It was our way as mother and daughters taking a stand as a family that God was in control and He had our hearts and lives. I took a sobbing moment and expressed to “those people” that I was so grateful that they never gave up on me through the years and more so, that Jesus didn’t either. As we one by one got water baptized, we were expressing our first act in preparing for us our future. At that moment, we had no idea just how much He was preparing us through that baptism. Just 2 days later, He gave us an idea…
(In this entry I will be sharing some from my personal journal. I will let you know when those times come up in the blog.)
Everyday my love grew for Chris. I prayed for him every day, several times a day sometimes. I made my moves intentionally. I hugged, smiled, kissed, left notes, texted, and called on purpose. That foolish comment that Pastor Nathan stated about loving your spouse like God loves you, it started to not look so foolish. My heart was melting. My desires were stirring. I couldn’t wait to get home to him and to my family. I started to care about my appearance so I began to work out. I wanted to not only feel good for myself but I wanted to look good for him. In a year I lost 27lbs and 29.5 inches and I was feeling proud of myself. I wanted him to never have a need to look at another woman. I wanted to be his only woman and I wanted him to be my only man, the way God intended it to be. It almost seemed that just one day it all made sense to me. I had forgiven myself, I had forgiven him, I had forgiven his parents, and life was good. I can honestly say it was getting there but it wasn’t good yet and I wanted it to be GREAT! Was Chris a good man with a good heart, yes he was. But was he a good man with a Godly heart, I didn’t believe so. I wanted him so badly to be the leader of our home. I wanted him to give his all to God. I wanted him to be a Godly man and be the man that I KNEW God called him to be. I knew God could do it, I have seen it happen before. And I had faith (more than a mustard seed) and I knew God was going to give me the husband and daddy that the girls and I were so desperately praying for.
March 8, 2011 Journal Entry
What an amazing weekend. It was the weekend of “Love of a Lifetime” at church. Nathan and Suzette Grooms just out did themselves. We had dinner on Saturday the 5th. I invited Suzanne and Billy. The girls went with Kaitlyn into their special class. The food was yummy, entertainment was hilarious, and the word was amazing. At the end of the night, Nathan played this song called “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real. I love this song. As we stood there, listening to the song, being in his arms, I knew that my heart belonged to him again. My heart belonged to him like never before. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. I know we are going to be ok, more than ok; we are going to make it!!
The next morning we had a breakfast for our Sunday school class. I was sitting with Chris Ann & Terry Somers and Christie & Gideon Anthony. I was talking about the dinner the night before and how much I knew it was going to change my marriage, when Chris lays his hand on my back. Earlier that morning I felt You ask me to invite him to church so I left him a note. He ended up waking up 5mins after we left for church. Not only was he there the whole service of church but most of Sunday school too!!! I was one happy wife when I saw him, I cried, and jumped up yelling “baby!” There were ladies crying at the tables when they saw this. I remember those ladies, the ones at our table, Heather Lineberger, Angie Tate, Holly Cox, and Jessie Townsend. I looked up and Pastor Nathan was smiling that smile of his and gave me a thumb up. It was wonderful. At the end of worship we sung “I Called, You Answered” by Hillsong United. Chris held me, sobbing, and I heard him singing the words to the song . YES LORD YES!! Thank you thank you!!!! You are stirring his heart. You are pulling his heart strings. You are showing him the kind of man that he needs to be. You are answering my prayers Jesus, thank you!
March 18, 2011 Journal Entry
On the same note as last time, Chris called me yesterday and said “I am starting to like your kind of worship music.” He heard a song from Skillet (a Christian rock band) and was floored it was Christian. I am loving this, so loving this. The girls and I are getting baptized this Sunday. He was suppose to work but is not now. As much as we need the money, I am thrilled he is going to be there. I think he’s going to bring Destiny too. COOL!! I am a happy lady. I am so blessed beyond words. (Back to present time) The girls and I were so happy to be getting baptized; it was Sunday March 20, 2011. It was a beautiful day. It was our way as mother and daughters taking a stand as a family that God was in control and He had our hearts and lives. I took a sobbing moment and expressed to “those people” that I was so grateful that they never gave up on me through the years and more so, that Jesus didn’t either. As we one by one got water baptized, we were expressing our first act in preparing for us our future. At that moment, we had no idea just how much He was preparing us through that baptism. Just 2 days later, He gave us an idea…
Unknown
January 23, 2013
As I mentioned in my last blog, the girls and I made a commitment to God, ourselves, and our church family to give God our life by getting baptized together at church. Who would of thought that 2 days later God was going to use that as a part of our testimony as a family. “Thank you for calling Wellness Chiropractic, this is Sarah, how may I help you?” I asked. Unknown to me the person on the other line was going to have a conversation with me that was going to put my day into a whirlwind. That person on the phone unfortunately was my mom. I remember like it was yesterday. It was a Tuesday, March 22, 2011 at 9:38am. We only worked in the afternoons on Tuesdays. I came in earlier to do all the billing, statements, etc while it was quiet. My boss normally came in about 1pm but this day, he came in at 9:38am. My mom was trying to explain to me so many things at once but I know I heard FBI, breaking down your door, permission for the keys, and something about child pornography. What?? My head was spinning. Luckily my boss heard the conversation and when I got off the phone, he told me to go home and keep him posted.
(Wow, I still get goose bumps just thinking about it all again.)
I tried to call Chris and I couldn’t get through to him at work. I had someone keep trying to call him while I called my church. I thank God on a regular basis that Pastor Nathan just so happened was there that moment I called and was able to talk to me all the way home. That would have been a very long 45 minute drive without his friendship. Poor guy had to hear me cry and hyperventilate all the way. He is a trooper for sure! I had to hang up when Chris called as I was 5 minutes from the house and I had to explain to him what was going on, as much I knew anyway. He seemed almost not worried. He seemed to react as if there was some unexplainable reason this was happening. I had two reasons, and those reasons were my 15yr old step son or Gabby being the typical teenagers and being curious about sexually. I called Gabby at school and had to put the fear of God in her and told her if she was ever going to be honest with me, this was the time. I was happy to hear it wasn’t her so my only other thought was my step-son (not that I wanted it to be him, but it made more sense to me at the time).
When I drove up to my driveway and parked my car at my in-laws, the house that Chris and I built for our family seemed like someone else’s. Surrounding my home was about 15 cars belonging to FBI agents or police officers. I was not allowed to go in, get close, or ask the FBI anything. The police officers helping out were nice enough to me and didn’t make me feel like I had done anything wrong. My dad showed up and he was such a huge help in trying to keep me calm. I called my mom, told her to go get my car, pick up the girls, and get them away. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but I did know my girls were going to be with my parents if all hell broke loose. They were going to be safe.
Then my skin began to crawl when I heard them, I heard the mufflers from Chris’s truck come up the driveway. I turned around and I felt my stomach hit the ground. He pulled the truck up around the back of our house. He got out and was escorted into our home, without me. Now I was pissed. He was allowed to go into the house and I had stay outside trying to figure out what was going on. Thank God my dad was there, he helped me keep my cool. But during all this, even starting from the call from my mom, I had this peace. I can’t explain it. I just knew no matter the explanation, it was all going to be ok; my family was going to be ok.
After what it seemed as a half a day, the FBI agents come out to ask me questions. Now I know how parents felt like on the TV shows when they were asked if they killed their child, being innocent they attacked the detective asking the questions. I knew I had done nothing wrong. Outside of the few “cute bathtub” photos that all parents take of their kids. I had never done anything to my babies that were out of line. At this point, all I knew that Chris had admitted to having child pornography on his computer but not much more information was given. The FBI ended up taking all of our computers, hard drives, and cameras, anything that could hold evidence. All I could remember was thinking I was going to lose all my photos of my kids growing up and that sadden my heart in the midst of this confusion.
As I was talking with the FBI agents, Chris got into his truck and tried to leave. They were not taking any actions on him at this time. When I saw him, I just ran to him. One of the agents, John (both Agents names were John), grabbed me, and told me it was not a good idea. I looked at him and said “HE WON’T HURT ME!” He let me go and as I ran I was thinking, no way he is going to hurt me, we have come too far. I knew he was going to tell me truth. He was going to tell me that this was all a huge mistake. He was going to tell me that he had done nothing to hurt any children. All he could do is look at me and say “I would never, it’s a setup, don’t believe them!” Oh how bad I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe it was just a mistake, one huge mistake! Someone was going to jump out and say we were on candid camera, I knew it! And then he drove off, leaving me to pick up the pieces by myself.
The agents said it would take several months for them to find anything, to try and go on living life. Were they stupid and out of their mind?? Go on living life, they had to be crazy. I called my mom, it was safe to bring my babies home. I had to explain to Katie that a Trojan horse that we could not fix took over all our computers and these special technicians had to fix it for us. I told her it could take a few months. She didn’t understand but that was enough for her, or so it seemed. I explained to Gabby what was going on and of course, like me, she wanted to believe that they got their daddy mixed up with someone else. There was no way he was capable of doing something like this.
In my head, there was no way this was truth. God didn’t take me through this journey the last 2 years to tear my family up now. We were going to get down to the bottom of this, together, all of us. I heard God tell me “I am going to protect your family”. And protect, He did…
As I mentioned in my last blog, the girls and I made a commitment to God, ourselves, and our church family to give God our life by getting baptized together at church. Who would of thought that 2 days later God was going to use that as a part of our testimony as a family. “Thank you for calling Wellness Chiropractic, this is Sarah, how may I help you?” I asked. Unknown to me the person on the other line was going to have a conversation with me that was going to put my day into a whirlwind. That person on the phone unfortunately was my mom. I remember like it was yesterday. It was a Tuesday, March 22, 2011 at 9:38am. We only worked in the afternoons on Tuesdays. I came in earlier to do all the billing, statements, etc while it was quiet. My boss normally came in about 1pm but this day, he came in at 9:38am. My mom was trying to explain to me so many things at once but I know I heard FBI, breaking down your door, permission for the keys, and something about child pornography. What?? My head was spinning. Luckily my boss heard the conversation and when I got off the phone, he told me to go home and keep him posted.
(Wow, I still get goose bumps just thinking about it all again.)
I tried to call Chris and I couldn’t get through to him at work. I had someone keep trying to call him while I called my church. I thank God on a regular basis that Pastor Nathan just so happened was there that moment I called and was able to talk to me all the way home. That would have been a very long 45 minute drive without his friendship. Poor guy had to hear me cry and hyperventilate all the way. He is a trooper for sure! I had to hang up when Chris called as I was 5 minutes from the house and I had to explain to him what was going on, as much I knew anyway. He seemed almost not worried. He seemed to react as if there was some unexplainable reason this was happening. I had two reasons, and those reasons were my 15yr old step son or Gabby being the typical teenagers and being curious about sexually. I called Gabby at school and had to put the fear of God in her and told her if she was ever going to be honest with me, this was the time. I was happy to hear it wasn’t her so my only other thought was my step-son (not that I wanted it to be him, but it made more sense to me at the time).
When I drove up to my driveway and parked my car at my in-laws, the house that Chris and I built for our family seemed like someone else’s. Surrounding my home was about 15 cars belonging to FBI agents or police officers. I was not allowed to go in, get close, or ask the FBI anything. The police officers helping out were nice enough to me and didn’t make me feel like I had done anything wrong. My dad showed up and he was such a huge help in trying to keep me calm. I called my mom, told her to go get my car, pick up the girls, and get them away. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but I did know my girls were going to be with my parents if all hell broke loose. They were going to be safe.
Then my skin began to crawl when I heard them, I heard the mufflers from Chris’s truck come up the driveway. I turned around and I felt my stomach hit the ground. He pulled the truck up around the back of our house. He got out and was escorted into our home, without me. Now I was pissed. He was allowed to go into the house and I had stay outside trying to figure out what was going on. Thank God my dad was there, he helped me keep my cool. But during all this, even starting from the call from my mom, I had this peace. I can’t explain it. I just knew no matter the explanation, it was all going to be ok; my family was going to be ok.
After what it seemed as a half a day, the FBI agents come out to ask me questions. Now I know how parents felt like on the TV shows when they were asked if they killed their child, being innocent they attacked the detective asking the questions. I knew I had done nothing wrong. Outside of the few “cute bathtub” photos that all parents take of their kids. I had never done anything to my babies that were out of line. At this point, all I knew that Chris had admitted to having child pornography on his computer but not much more information was given. The FBI ended up taking all of our computers, hard drives, and cameras, anything that could hold evidence. All I could remember was thinking I was going to lose all my photos of my kids growing up and that sadden my heart in the midst of this confusion.
As I was talking with the FBI agents, Chris got into his truck and tried to leave. They were not taking any actions on him at this time. When I saw him, I just ran to him. One of the agents, John (both Agents names were John), grabbed me, and told me it was not a good idea. I looked at him and said “HE WON’T HURT ME!” He let me go and as I ran I was thinking, no way he is going to hurt me, we have come too far. I knew he was going to tell me truth. He was going to tell me that this was all a huge mistake. He was going to tell me that he had done nothing to hurt any children. All he could do is look at me and say “I would never, it’s a setup, don’t believe them!” Oh how bad I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe it was just a mistake, one huge mistake! Someone was going to jump out and say we were on candid camera, I knew it! And then he drove off, leaving me to pick up the pieces by myself.
The agents said it would take several months for them to find anything, to try and go on living life. Were they stupid and out of their mind?? Go on living life, they had to be crazy. I called my mom, it was safe to bring my babies home. I had to explain to Katie that a Trojan horse that we could not fix took over all our computers and these special technicians had to fix it for us. I told her it could take a few months. She didn’t understand but that was enough for her, or so it seemed. I explained to Gabby what was going on and of course, like me, she wanted to believe that they got their daddy mixed up with someone else. There was no way he was capable of doing something like this.
In my head, there was no way this was truth. God didn’t take me through this journey the last 2 years to tear my family up now. We were going to get down to the bottom of this, together, all of us. I heard God tell me “I am going to protect your family”. And protect, He did…
Secrets Unfold
As I lay in our chair with my girls, I texted Chris to come home, it was time. He had enough time alone. I couldn’t stand being alone without him anymore that day. I needed him home. A little while later he returned. I can’t tell you how I felt when I saw him really. I was torn between being happy he was ok and wanting to ask him a thousand questions. But something (my heart, my spirit, whatever you like to call it) suggested it was not the time for the question game. It was time to protect my girls and let them feel as normal as possible.
It seemed that each day passed with more questions and more answers from Chris came along. He was starting to open up with me. He was starting to share his secret with me. I just wanted to know when the agents said “child”, what did that mean exactly. Chris got me and my parents believing it was a onetime ordeal. He was on another adult site and someone introduced him to it and he was just sickened by the fact. I knew he was involved in the adult pornography but I truly felt God telling me to let Him deal with Chris on it. So I did. Each day it was another secret. I got out of him that it was 16 and 17 year old kids that was on the site he ended up going on. Even though that still made me sick, I felt like maybe it was something we could try and work through. Just like an affair, some people could work through it and some people just can’t, or won’t. I wanted to believe in Chris, I wanted to believe in us, and I wanted to believe that God could heal my marriage, even more than he already had. I felt so happy that Chris was sharing with me. He was opening his heart and I thought his secret was killing him.
I believed that Chris was so disgusted with himself and what he did. He would physically get sick, cry, and he was for once praying with me and reading the Bible with me. Chris started counseling with Pastor Nathan immediately and anytime the doors were open at church, he wanted to be there. He didn’t want to be home by himself. He would come and sit up with me at work after he got off just so I wouldn’t have to second guess him. He would listen to worship music without my suggestion. I saw a new man. I saw a man that was sorry. I saw a man that was broken. I felt this desire to be close to him even though I couldn’t let my guard down. I still felt betrayed. I still felt he lied to me. I still felt there was more to his story.
I called my sister Linda, oh how I missed her. She is not my biological sister but we have known each other for 20 years, so we call ourselves “chosen sisters.” She was living (and still is living) in England while this was happening in our lives. She was always the one there for me. I was mad that she wasn’t there but God showed me later, that was a part of His plan as well. I called her and expressed to her this desire I had for Chris. I know gross right? I had desire for a man that I was learning was a stranger to me, to our family. I asked her how I could feel like being his wife in every aspect during this mess. I remember her telling me “If you feel like God is telling you it is ok, than it is ok, he is your husband.” I am not going to go into a lot of detail here but needless to say, God showed me what it meant by your body being your husband’s that night. Even though I was scared to death and I was not completely trusting Chris, I was completely trusting God. God wanted to show me something beautiful and incredibly special that night. I hate to even imagine that night but God gave me this night for a reason that I didn’t realize until later. This was 5 days after the FBI was at my home.
We went to church the next morning as a family, a new family, a God fearing family. Chris came to Sunday school with me and then to church afterwards. I remember going to the alter with him and people coming to pray over us. This was it!! This was what I was praying for. This is what I was waiting for the last two years. It was happening, I could see it. My prayers were being answered. Monday night, Gabby and Chris went for the regular cook out Monday dinner dates. Tuesday, he surprised us at Katie’s gymnastics class. He had never been to one of her practices. He showed up with a rose in his hand for me. When Katie saw her daddy there, I think she did a cart wheel in mid air. He took Gabby outside to the truck, held her hand, and said “I would never hurt you; I will always be your forever daddy.”
That night, I went home and began to work out. Chris was about to leave to go get his other kids from their mom’s house. As he was getting his shoes on, I called him back to me to give him a kiss goodbye. I smiled and say “I love you today.” That was something we came up within that week of our mess. He didn’t want to hear “I love you always” or “I love you forever”. He just wanted me to love him that day, so we decided to say “I love you today.” Who would have thought, this was going to be the last time I was ever going to hear those words come from my mouth. After I worked out, I started dinner. I was making spaghetti (my step-daughters favorite) and life was good. God gave me such peace about Him protecting my family. I knew we were going to make it through this journey. We were going to come out strong and we were going to be a testimony of love prevailing.
In my thought, a noise out of nowhere, within the silence, interrupted my happy place. I knew who it was without even looking. It was those mean people coming back to my house to bring chaos into my family, again!! It’s only been a week, a week!!! What happened to several months? What happened to “go on living life.” I was trying!!! Again, I heard the knock at my front door, “BOOM BOOM BOOM!!”
Perfect Stranger
BOOM BOOM!!” How did I know to turn the
heat off the stove? How did I know to
tell Gabby to take Katie in her room and not come out until I said? How did I know that something was so
incredibly wrong?
Still
in my work out clothes, I open the door to see the “mean” John standing over
me. I still remember what he looked
like. He was very tall, husky, with dark
hair. He was cold and heartless, or so I
thought. With him were several other
officers and this blonde lady agent that seemed so…different, she was hard
exterior but I felt softness in her eyes.
John asked where Chris was and I told him he wasn’t home, he went to get
the kids, and would return shortly. He
then expressed to me that I needed to take my girls and myself out of the home,
for our protection. WHAT? What did I need protection from? Him?
He was not answering my questions.
I was feeling furious! I could
not even walk around my home, get my girls from the room, or even change my
clothes without the blonde lady following my every move.
As
I walked across the yard, with little hands in each of mine, I made it to my
parents. As I looked back at my home, I
felt like the next time I was going to walk into it life was going to be
different. Standing outside of my parent’s
back door, I watched as the officers paced back and forth down my
driveway. It was like something off
T.V. But this time, it wasn’t someone
else’s life, it was mine. Something bad
was going to happen, I felt it. I called
Pastor Nathan to tell him what was going on and that I would be back in contact
later. I just needed his prayers and I
had faith that he would. I of course
called Chris to warn him. Something in
his voice made me uncertain. Again I
felt something in my gut tell me this was going to be horrible.
I
saw Chris’s truck pull up into the main driveway in front of his parent’s
house. I noticed it stayed there for a
bit but wasn’t sure why. John told me to
stay at my mom’s and not to come back without his approval. I saw Chris get out of his truck and then he
was gone. I couldn’t see him. But guess who did? My daughter, Gabby. She saw him step out of his truck and get
slammed up against the hood and handcuffed.
I can’t begin to imagine that sight.
She will never be able to put that completely out of her mind. That will be something she sees for the rest
of her life. Almost immediately John was
back over to me. He requested to come
back to the house because there was something he needed to discuss with
me. Of course I asked if I could bring
my mom. There was no way I was going to
hear whatever it was without a support person, especially since the person who
was suppose to be my support person was temporally unavailable. I remember walking over with my mom, looking
at my daughters in the sliding door window, not realizing how much our life was
about to change.
All
the officers were outside watching over Chris at this point. (Excuse me; this is where my heart stops
beating for a moment). I was standing in
my kitchen, leaning up against the island.
Standing there with me was my mom and John. I was really starting to hate this man at
this point. He began to tell me that
Chris was arrested and was going to jail.
He further explained that Chris was going to probably go to federal
prison for his crime. I was screaming
inside, “What crime”? I could barely
breathe, forgot about talking. John
explained to me what Chris had been doing since November 2010. Chris started off being on an adult porn
site, chatting with other woman. He then
was introduced into what they call “kiddie porn.” I DISPISE those words!! They make me want to throw up!! He went on to explain that Chris had
thousands of photos of children on his computer in several different sexual
acts. The children were not 16 or 17
like Chris told me, but started with the young age of 2. Children were being abused; innocence taken
from their bodies, there was such pure evilness in these photos. I found out that he got busted from an
undercover agent in Albany, NY. Seems
Chris was trying to meet up with a 13 year old girl. They were swapping photos and making
plans.
If
that was not enough, my whole world came crashing down on me when John began to
show me some of these photos. Oh God,
why did he have to show them to me?
Why? Then, I knew my answer at
once. One particular photo was of Chris
enjoying the photos. John had to ask me if that was Chris in the
photo. In this moment, I felt my stomach
turn upside down and inside out. I
couldn’t breathe. I looked at my
mom. I know my face had to be saying
“Could this be really happening?” I felt
my knees go weak in absolute disgust. I
got enough courage to say yes to John.
All of sudden “mean” John was no longer mean to me. He just saved my family from further harm and
heart break. He looked sweet to me
instantly. I could tell he really cared
about putting the bad guy away and protecting the innocence.
I
asked if I could see him for a minute, ask him why, maybe hit him. As if reading my mind, John told me I
couldn’t get to close or I would be forced to the ground and land in jail
too. Ok, hitting him was out of the
question, darn it! As I walked out the
door, down my sidewalk, and seeing him in the back of the police car,
everything seemed to be in slow motion.
They opened the door so I could see him.
I saw him shaking, gagging, and shaking his head. All he could say is “They are setting me
up.” He said those exact words a week
ago, but this time, I didn’t believe him.
To me, this man I looked at was a stranger; he was the perfect stranger
because he was two men. One man, I loved
deeply with all my heart and another man that I hated with every ounce of my
being. As I walked away, I could hear
him calling, I never looked back…
(Before
I go any further, I want to put people’s minds at ease. He physically didn’t harm my babies or anyone
that I know. His path was destroyed
before it got that far. And I thank God
EVERYDAY for that miracle.)
Goodbye Daddy
January
30, 2013
I
remember so vividly sitting in my parent’s living room; my mom, myself and
Katie on the couch and my dad and Gabby across from us on the loveseat. I looked at my sweet un-broken Katie-bug,
realizing this was going to be the first real thing in her life that was going
to scar her. This was about to bust her
heart and her world completely open. Please
accept I can’t relive the words, word by word because her face breaks my heart
to much, even today. I will tell you,
that I told her that Daddy was going to be a gone for a long time and that I
didn’t know how long. I told her that he
had a lot of other “girl” friends and was looking at bad photos of them on the
computer. The tears, the questions, the heart break
was all over her face. I just held
her. I thanked God that there was little
said but enough for her to understand.
And Gabby, Lord knows she was a blessing in this conversation. She always had a way to get Katie’s mind off
things, make her laugh, and be goofy.
And Gabby shined bright that night.
They would run around, laugh, then Katie come to the couch and cry some
more, and the go back to laughing and being silly. It was moments of grace, love, but
confusion. All I can tell you is she
must of felt bonded enough and loved enough around her by the rest of us that
her world didn’t shatter the way I thought it was going to. Thank you God for the words, thank you for
the strength, and thank you for ALL your protection.
I
don’t even know how to begin this next entry.
I woke up on March 29, 2011 living one person’s life and in an instant I
was living another’s. Chris was there
one second and gone the next, like he died.
I guess in most ways, he did. I understand
now what the death of a spouse does to a person. So many thoughts, emotions, and questions
going on in your head all at once, where do you start?
For
me, my beginning was telling my daughters that their daddy was never coming
back home again. HOW? How was I going to tell them that he wasn’t
coming home and not because of a car accident, accident at work, or someone hurt
him but because of selfish actions he took that made his self be taken
away. Gabrielle was a little easier to
tell since she knew what was going on for the most part. I think she knew when she saw the
handcuffs. I think she knew something
more happened that what he was telling us.
So much for the words he said to her just 3 hours before that.
Katie
was going to be more difficult. She was
6yrs old and had no idea what was going on that week our computers were out
getting “cleaned”. Where do you find the
words? Lord, help me, I don’t know the
words to say. I am going to break her
heart and that is going to break my heart even more. Lead my words God, please. Just 4 months earlier Chris and I sat
her down and explained to her about Chris adopting them. She was 3mths old when we met so she knew
Chris as her daddy and nothing else. After
the shock, she seemed fine. She had a
few questions and looked at him and said “That’s ok, you are my forever
daddy.” That was all that seemed to
matter to her.
I
remember so vividly sitting in my parent’s living room; my mom, myself and
Katie on the couch and my dad and Gabby across from us on the loveseat. I looked at my sweet un-broken Katie-bug,
realizing this was going to be the first real thing in her life that was going
to scar her. This was about to bust her
heart and her world completely open. Please
accept I can’t relive the words, word by word because her face breaks my heart
to much, even today. I will tell you,
that I told her that Daddy was going to be a gone for a long time and that I
didn’t know how long. I told her that he
had a lot of other “girl” friends and was looking at bad photos of them on the
computer. The tears, the questions, the heart break
was all over her face. I just held
her. I thanked God that there was little
said but enough for her to understand.
And Gabby, Lord knows she was a blessing in this conversation. She always had a way to get Katie’s mind off
things, make her laugh, and be goofy.
And Gabby shined bright that night.
They would run around, laugh, then Katie come to the couch and cry some
more, and the go back to laughing and being silly. It was moments of grace, love, but
confusion. All I can tell you is she
must of felt bonded enough and loved enough around her by the rest of us that
her world didn’t shatter the way I thought it was going to. Thank you God for the words, thank you for
the strength, and thank you for ALL your protection.
That
night we went home, the 3 of us gathered in my king size bed, snuggled, and
fell asleep holding each other. As I
prayed that night, I didn’t know what was going to happen, what our future entailed,
but I knew we weren’t just holding each other but God was holding us. He was not going to leave us nor forsake
us!! I knew that more than ever…
Trust
February 1, 2013
Time seemed to spin out of control, it was almost 4 months later and it was hard, I was only working part time but decided when the girls started back to school the next school year, I will go full-time. I wanted to have that summer with them, just us, after all that mess. God seemed to provide for that time I so desperately needed and wanted for us. The girls and I lost our home but God so perfectly timed a new adorable 3bedroom home for us to rent, almost instantly (thanks to a dear friend of mine). We so loved it there. There we began to heal. We felt safe; I called it our “Safe Haven”. It was in a nice neighborhood and it was home to us. The girls and I were both in counseling. Great ladies we all had. The girls had a lady named Sara and I had Linda and they were both Christians!! We were doing good most days. We were staying close (especially Gabby and me…closer than ever!) She was pretty hurt and damaged by all this but I knew God was going to help us through this and we all would be stronger women because of it.
I wanted to be a new me. I wanted to be complete in God. I didn’t want a man in my life to feel as if I was not worth something without him. I needed to find my worth in God. God took me on a journey of expressing how beautiful I was, by how He looked at me. I was his baby girl. I was a Kings Daughter. I was precious, cherished, adored, wanted, and loved. This took some time for me to really gasp, especially without the love of a father on Earth my whole child hood. But what was starting to help me was I had a WONDERFUL daddy now. He is my step dad and I could not of hand picked a better man to be that role in my life. I was already grown with a child when he met my mom. I could care less for a daddy but God knew, even then, my step dad was going to be my daddy and he was going to make a difference in my life.
The Monday following the girls were at my parents and I had some quiet time to myself. I was standing in my kitchen and I yelled at God. Yep, I yelled!! Was I mad at Him, was I turning my back on Him, no way! He didn’t do this to my family. God gave Chris a free will to make the right choices, like He does for everyone. Chris chose to listen to the evilness and not to God. He chose to throw our family away. Chris chose to change the course of our lives forever. There was no fixing it, no redoing what he had done, and if God thought I was going to forgive him, that was not going to happen, ever! In a moment, I knew I could not do this anymore. I could not walk through this part of my life. I lifted my hands, with tears down my face, broken, and yelled “God I can’t do this. Take this burden from me. I trust you! I need you to carry this for me. I have no idea what is going to happen but you do and I will walk along with you every step of the way.”
I have never seen the love of God through people the way I did in the months after this. Of course my parents were helping me in every way possible that they could. Their love and support through all this blows my mind really. It almost seemed like they put a hold on their lives to help me pick up the pieces of ours. I can’t thank them enough! There was people from Chris’s work, from my church family, teachers from the girl’s school, and people on face book pouring out love and encouragement. I didn’t share with everyone, especially on face book the truth but people knew that Chris and I weren’t together anymore. Everywhere I turned we were being blessed and I was just so overwhelmed by it all. I couldn’t even keep up with telling Papa God thank you enough for taken such great care of His girls and blessing us beyond our wildest dreams.
Time seemed to spin out of control, it was almost 4 months later and it was hard, I was only working part time but decided when the girls started back to school the next school year, I will go full-time. I wanted to have that summer with them, just us, after all that mess. God seemed to provide for that time I so desperately needed and wanted for us. The girls and I lost our home but God so perfectly timed a new adorable 3bedroom home for us to rent, almost instantly (thanks to a dear friend of mine). We so loved it there. There we began to heal. We felt safe; I called it our “Safe Haven”. It was in a nice neighborhood and it was home to us. The girls and I were both in counseling. Great ladies we all had. The girls had a lady named Sara and I had Linda and they were both Christians!! We were doing good most days. We were staying close (especially Gabby and me…closer than ever!) She was pretty hurt and damaged by all this but I knew God was going to help us through this and we all would be stronger women because of it.
I was learning a lot in my counseling sessions. Linda was really amazing. I didn’t go as long as I thought I was going to need to. She said it was because of my good attitude. She said I had a good attitude about not blaming myself for what Chris did. She said I had a good attitude about not dating anyone and taking time for myself, the girls and I, and my walk with God. This was a time of healing for us. It was not time for Sarah to get caught up in another man. April 10, 2011 I made a vow to God to take a year (at least) and let it just be the girls and I. I wanted to build a healthy relationship with Father God before I even thought about a relationship with a man. That alone was a miracle. The old Sarah would have jumped into another man’s arms and most likely in his bed!
This means more to me now than ever because to say it nicely, I was not a good daughter growing up to my mom. I made my mother’s life a living hell after I turned 13. She tried her best and her best was never good enough for me. I said things, did things that I so wish I could take back. Our relationship was not quite the same for a long time, probably for about 10 years or longer. I broke her heart more than I like to admit. I saw her cry with no effect on my life more than I like to say. Yes we loved each other but there wasn’t much of a relationship. We would get a glance of one and I would start acting stupid and selfish, AGAIN! It wasn’t until Katie was born that our friendship began to rebuild. Trust began to rebuild. During this time my step-dad and I had not much of a relationship either. I liked him, he was good to my mom but I didn’t need him to be a father to me. He was too late for that role in my life, or so I thought. God had different plans for our family. He was going to make our family into everything I have ever wanted and so much more. I love you Mama and Papa, to Heaven and back again!! xxoxxo
Overwhelmed
February 4, 2013
So today’s entry is going to be a little different. I am not posting to talk more about my story (which I will continue on Wednesday). I am posting to talk about how God has used my blog thus far. I am overwhelmed with the words of encouragement, support, and love I have received from people, even from people I don’t know.
When I began this blog I had fears, real fears. I had a fear s of how people were going to look at me. Were people going to judge my past? Were people going to ignore me in church? Were people going to treat me different? Oh how those thoughts made my skin crawl? My heart began to break to think that the family I had within my church was going to fall apart around me. But I heard God right, right? I know I heard him tell me that the blog was where He wanted me to start with my story. Did He say “start?” What does he mean by start? Oh brother!
So I began my blog. I shared stories that hurt me terribly growing up. I shared stories of my mistakes in my adult life. I shared stories of hurt, love, and betrayal. And all of sudden I was getting emails, text, and comments that blew my mind. Words of not just support and encouragement came my way but words of thankfulness. People told me that now they know they are not alone. They are not alone in the hurt. They are not alone in making mistakes. They are not alone in their shame. I had one woman tell me that they have hope for the first time in their life. Hope, isn’t that what it is all about?
I can be at work, at church, in the grocery store, or even at a concealed weapon class, and people come up with words that bring me to tears. But what blows me away even more than the words are who the words come from. The words have not only come from women but men too. My audience for this blog is towards women so when men began to express how my blog have affected them, I about fall out of my seat.
Yesterday a complete stranger made a comment on my Page on Face book. She is not my friend or a friend of a friend. She had no way of knowing who I was. She wrote this:
“Sarah, you are so brave and courageous for telling your beautiful story of God's redemption and love.”
I in returned asked her how she found my Page and her response was:
"Somehow I landed on your Face book page and it looked interesting, so I went to the blog and read the whole thing. I was really touched, and felt the Holy Spirit speaking through your writing, and I loved the Mama and Papa comments, too. When I tried to go back to find what led me there, I couldn't find it. So - it must have been the Holy Ghost!"
WOW!! So tonight I write this entry with overwhelming feelings!! I want you all to know how much I appreciate you. Thank you for your love, your support, and your encouragement. Thank you for all the “I am so proud of you”. Even though I am so happy of how my blog is being used to help people, I want to take a moment and express something. I am asking you to please not put your hope in me and/or my story. Your hope and the only hope you should have is in the only hope I have. My hope is Jesus. I don’t want to take credit for where I am now and all that I have walked through. I am all I am today because of the love of my Father God. I love and forgive only because God has loved and forgiven me first. If Jesus didn’t come down on this Earth and die for me, than I would not know one thing about how to treat people, love people, or forgive people. I give Him and only Him the glory from this blog and from my life. With this being said, please enjoy the rest of my story.
Forgiveness
February 6, 2013
It was July 2011 and so much has changed. Our lives turned inside out and upside down
(as a friend said) but God heard me cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my
feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (Psalm 40:1-2) God was stirring my heart about Chris and how
his actions affected so many lives, not just ours. There were so many people he hurt. There were his other 2 kids, his parents, and
his family. Even though his parents were
not very nice to me after Chris was arrested, I had to acknowledge that their
hearts were breaking too. They were not
going to have any more birthday celebrations, no more Thanksgiving dinners, no
more Christmas mornings, and just any day of the week hang outs. Does it excuse how they treated the girls and
I, no, but I needed to feel for those all around me.
God told me I needed to forgive. The forgiveness didn’t start with Chris
though. I began a journal (I called it
“From the Inside Out”) while I was in counseling and in this journal I began to
walk through the men in my life that took from me; whether it was my biological
father that abandoned me, men that took my purity, or men that didn’t show me
the love of Jesus growing up. As the
names came forth I prayed over them, I prayed over myself, and then I released
our pieces back to one another. When I
got to Chris, I stopped. I was
blocked. I just couldn’t do it. No way was I going to release him from his
actions. But I kept feeling a
nagging. I just wanted God to be
quiet. I heard Him say one day “Pray for him.” There God was again, out of his
mind. Pray for Chris? Was God joking? I said to Him “Ok, I will pray for him God
but I won’t like it, not one bit!”
A few weeks passed and the girls and I were getting excited
about the Kids Camp coming up. I have
been to two camps with Covenant and each year something big and wonderful
happened. I went with expectations. On August 7, 2011 I forgave Chris, released
it ALL!! It didn’t mean I wouldn’t have more to forgive him of or there might be
times where I have to give it all to God again.
But I had to release him to God. Chris
wasn’t my responsibility anymore. Let me
clear something up before people start “talking”. This didn’t mean I accepted
what he did or approved of it. It didn’t
mean I had to or wanted to reconcile, it just meant I had to release my anger
and hatred and I had to move on with my healing.
After I came home from camp, I was exciting about my journal
entry. I was able to finish my journal,
or so I thought. I wrote it all down
about Chris, all of it, every last little sickening, disgusting, and disturbing
detail. As I cried, forgave, and quit
breathing a few times, I was done. “No you’re not.” Oh gosh, what did He want now? I was done.
I knew I was done. I didn’t have
anyone else to forgive. “Yes you do.” I had no idea who he was talking about. I reread through the whole journal and no
answer came to me. Oh God who else? “YOU!”
I never broke down so hard in my life, not even after Chris
left. I mean face on the ground, snot on
the carpet, face red with anger and unworthiness breaking down. How could I do it? How could I forgive myself? How I could forgive all I ever done? How I could forgive myself for making another
bad choice in a man again? How I could
forgive myself for hurting my beautiful and precious daughters? Nope, no way, it wasn’t going to happen. “WHY?” God, I can’t.
I don’t deserve it. Don’t ask me
to forgive myself. “Why?” Was He not listening
to me? I had messed up, way too
much. I could forgive others, I could
let God forgive me, but I wasn’t going to forgive myself. My past defined me. It made me who I was, I couldn’t let go. Your
past is gone Sarah, your past I don’t even remember, your future and what you
do with it my daughter is what defines you.”
Yep, you guessed it. I
broke! My body went limp; the Spirit
swooped in and took over. The healing
that took place that day, I could try to explain but I wouldn’t give it
justice.
After that day, I saw someone I never met before. I looked in the mirror but it was not
me. It was someone new. I saw a beautiful, strong, God fearing, but
vulnerable woman. For the first time
ever in my life, I liked who I saw in the mirror. I saw for the first time what God saw every time
he looked at me. He gave me His eyes to
see who I was becoming and who I was going to be. Oh thank you God!! I am a new being, a new person, a new
Sarah. I wasn’t Sarah a wife, Sarah a
girlfriend, or even Sarah a mother; I was Sarah, a Kings Daughter, His
Daughter!! And my Daddy thought I was
beautiful and precious. He thought I was
a gem and He was going to refine His gem.
Oh that love I felt that day, it hasn’t left my side. I knew that my King, my Father, my Daddy
loved his daughter, and that daughter was…me!
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