In the beginning...

January 9, 2013

Some readers might be wondering what I mean by my "defining wilderness." Last May, during a ladies' Bible study at my church, author Claudette Scott shared a portion of her next manuscript with us on "Hidden Treasures of the Wilderness." She explained that those of us who are serious about going deeper in our relationship with Jesus will definitely walk through the wilderness with Him. This journey will "define" and "refine" us in life-changing ways. Therefore, I have borrowed this term as the title of my blog, for my journey through the wilderness has definitely "defined" my current walk with Jesus.  I shared my testimony one evening.  I also shared on forgiveness and family bondage.  The teachers of the class Miss Claudette and Miss Gilda knew that in my heart grew a desire to reach out to other women and help guide them in mending their brokenness. My question was “But how?”  That was something I had to find out for myself. So, here I am. I want to share my testimony but not for me. I want to share what I have walked through, to show who I am today, because of who He is and what He has done in me. I am not sure where to begin. Maybe from the beginning would be best so you can really see what God has done for me. Walk with me through this journey. This journey I call "My Defining Wilderness".

My name is Sarah Elizabeth.  I was in born Florida and have been living in beautiful North Carolina for 9 years now.  I am 34 years old with 2 daughters and they are my calling in this life.  I didn't start off doing to great as a mom but I am in the process and going to end up being great!  As a little girl, I knew what I wanted to do and be.  A wife and a mommy, nothing less, nothing more.  I didn't know what all it entailed but sign me up!!  All I knew was my mommy loved me growing up, failing at times (like we all do), but she never gave up, on herself or me.  That was enough.  It was my mom and I most of the time.  My father cared less to be around me but mom still shared about being married to a wonderful man and having babies, and waiting to get married.

At a young age I was shown a man's affection that no girl or child for that matter, should ever have to experience.  And not just once, but multiple times.  So by the time I was 13, I thought, well, this is what they like, this is what they will get.  Meanwhile, since I was 8yrs old, my mom shared with me about God and His Word and why it was all important but I played church well.  Did I ever feel it, feel Him, I am sure I did.  But it never "stuck" for me, not along enough to make a difference.  I think the one time it did stick, my youth pastor ruined it (or should I say I allowed my youth pastor to ruin it) for me.  I was the example he used "not to be like".

I had no worth, no self respect, no love for myself and no desire to be anything more than what I was being and doing.  Sadly, it wasn't a wife and a mommy anymore.  I had to have a boyfriend, a guy, someone to make me feel special and loved, just by being with them.  I never understood why the guys left, I thought I was doing everything right.  Why wouldn't they stay?  Why wouldn't any of them stay?  I mean my own father, my biological father, he didn't stay. Not once but twice he left me.  What was wrong with me? 

I got pregnant by my best friend of 5 years at 18, could of done worse, right?  We got the marriage annulled before I even had my daughter.  After a few months, he realized we were better off friends and his new girlfriend would be better marriage material. Ouch!

When my daughter, Gabrielle (Gabby) was 6mths old I started dating this guy from my church.  He came from a (what I thought) great Christian family.  I didn't know that great Christian families had flaws too, haha!  We dated for 4 yrs and got married.  It was the longest 6 yrs of my life with him.  I learned a lot about myself.  I learned that I allowed a man to keep me a secret from his family, until the day he planned a trip to propose (I was the psycho little girl that just wouldn't leave him alone).  I learned that I allowed a man to put his hands on me and talk down to me, use me, and be his slave in more ways than I realized years later.  I also learned that it was ok for him to have other girlfriends in his life, just as long as he came home to me.  But it all changed when Gabby didn't want to come home one summer after spending time with my parents.  I left and the only part that broke my heart was the step-daughter that I had to leave behind.  She was apart of my life since she was 3 yrs old.

After this, my heart changed.  I was hard and hated men.  Could I still be with them and feel nothing, absolutely.  It worked for them (men) so well, why not?  But that didn't last long.  God didn't make me a hater, He made me a lover.  Well, that was my reasoning for restarting down the same path, again.  I guess I didn't learn much.  I was thinking about moving to North Carolina and leaving my past behind.  I wanted to start over, a new start, a new beginning.  And in what way to get started in doing that you ask?  Get a new boyfriend in NC!  REALLY?  What was I thinking?  But, if I was thinking, I wouldn't have Kaitlyn (Katie)!  I remember sitting there in his living room, telling him, and his first words were "what about an abortion".  After I said no, he suggested giving the baby up for adoption to his brother and sister-in-law (since they weren't able to have kids).  Oh yeah sure, so he could be the doting "uncle".  I think if I was little less lady like back then, I would of a said a four letter word with "you" behind it. But instead, I sat up, got my posture, and told him "Go to Hell".  Because, that was just SO much better, right?

Ok, it was me and my babies against the world!  We got this!  And of course, with the help of my parents that were furious with me, again!  Barefoot and 3mths pregnant (and with a 7yr old), what was I going to do.  So, I looked into the phone book, found what I was looking for, and I walked into a church.  What, a church?  Pregnant, single mom of one already and walked into a church?  I had lost my mind, but of course!  Instead of these people judging me, throwing stones at me, and kicking me out the door; they opened their arms, their hearts, and their acceptance.  Outside of my very best friend Linda, her family, and my parents, I have NEVER felt so much love.  They loved on me, on Gabby, and the new baby girl that was on her way.  When I went on bed rest, they helped my parents take care of us, in so many ways.  A group of ladies (which I only knew one of the ladies there and met a new friend that I spoke to over the phone a few times with) threw me a baby shower and then I got visits at the hospital when I had Katie.  I felt like "this is it, this is my new beginning."

That was until Katie was a few months old and the loneliness started to kick in and I met Chris...