(Now for those who go to Covenant, and went to church this morning you will understand why this entry is mind blowing to me. This next entry I wrote in Word because I had to share with Gabby about something of my past that she didn't know and I didn't want her to read it for the first time in my blog. Plus, I still wasn't ready to share this next entry. When God woke me up at 2:37am this morning and told me it was time to write the next chapter, I said "But, God, I am not ready! Let me go back to sleep!" God had another plan, normally does. I think this entry will be the hardest on me though, to let people see me for who I really WAS. It was the time when I fell so far from God that I was worthless, I didn't deserve Him to be in my life, and He should of gave up on me. Sound like something that our beloved Pastor taught us today? So, by not posting this when I wrote it, it only proves to me that how much My Jesus really does love me. And it also proves to me that my daughter, even though Gabby was shocked, it didn't make her look at me differently because of who I am today. She gave me hope that I didn't have when I first wrote it to share it, thank you Gabby, I love you.)
(To take off from where the 1st blog ended)
We have been at Covenant for a year now. We have met some great people. I was a changed person right? Nope! Why did I fail, again? I had great people that loved me, loved us, and accepted me with all my faults. Why did I keep doing this to myself? And worse, why did I keep making poor choices that continue to hurt these little girls that I called my daughters? Did I not realize I was going to have to answer for these horrible decisions that I made? And did I not realize that the results of sexual sin last a lifetime—often for the parents as well as the child (ren)? I guess not.
I met Chris when Katie was 3mths old on an online dating
site. I knew I didn’t want to meet a creep at the bar so this had to be better,
so I thought. I didn’t really want anything
to do with him at first because he was not my type. But he didn’t give up and he was the first
guy to ever really chase me. It felt
kind of, nice. We talked for hours on
the phone for a few days and he seemed to be a good ole country boy. He was a single dad of two that loved his
kids and spent a lot of time with them.
He had a good stable job. So we
decided to meet. It went better than
expected. He showed up a “Jesus” t-shirt
and I was sold! “Yes, he’s a
Christian!!”
You will be surprised to know, that 3 days before we “met” I
prayed for him. Not only me, but Gabby
prayed for him. This had to be “the guy”!! God answered my/our prayer so fast!! What a God!!
He was so nice and outgoing. He
introduced me to his parents after a week, he even introduced me to his best
friend, good sign!! My parents really
liked him, I noticed most people did. He
was a great guy, all around!! Things
moved very fast with us. We moved in
with one another after 3mths, engaged after 4mths, and married within
9mths. Not that I have anything against
the time frame (minus the living together part) but I was so blind that I
didn’t even realize that I stopped praying and yep, you guessed it, stopped
going to church. For me, if I was living
in my sin, I couldn’t play church. I
couldn’t live my life the way I wanted to and go face God and those people at
Covenant, them knowing how I was living my life, after they were so faithful to
God for loving us, NO WAY! The further
we got into sexual sin, the further I ran from God. By the time we got married, there was no
suspense, no mystery, nothing to look forward to but getting away for a few
days. But, I did know I have never loved
anyone like I loved Chris. He had my
heart. Yep he had my heart, my broken, unhealthy,
and self serving heart!!!
The first year was pretty amazing. He gave me the chance to be a stay at home
mom. We began building our new home with
my dream kitchen. He gave me everything
I ever wanted, so I thought. After our
year anniversary, we came into a fork in the road. The man I thought I married was not who I
thought he was. He was not my protector,
he was not my prince, my knight and shining armor, and he didn’t defend me or
go to bat for me. We had some real uncomfortable
issues with his dad and instead of defending me, he defended his dad, and his
family tried to find any way to turn the blame on me. At one point, his father even accused me of
having an affair (how dare he?) and of course Chris believed him (how dare
he?). While I told him no, guess what, the answer was yes (the correct response
here is “how dare I”?). Sexual sin
didn’t stop after we got married, it continued.
It did not only continue with me but with him as well, and neither one
of us knew each other’s secrets but we sure invited them. (Please hear my heart, I was very ashamed of
my affair, and it broke my heart after the fact, on several occasions. The guilt saturated me. It took me a long time to walk through that
betrayal.)
I did try and go back to church at Covenant, a few times,
but they never lasted. I really didn’t
like myself and who I had become. Each
time I walked into those doors, I knew what “those” people thought of me. I knew “those” people judged me, looked down
on me, and once something didn’t go quite my way there, I checked out!!
Things surprisingly went from bad to worse. By my 30th birthday (and 3 short
years later) I had decided that this marriage was two people living together,
nothing less, nothing more. There was no
love, no respect, no joy, and no chance of healing. I got really addicted to online games, I
escaped from my real world to a fantasy world, a world nobody could hurt me and
I couldn’t hurt them. My relationship
with my daughters crashed. And before I
knew it, a year went by playing these games and I missed a time in Katie’s life
where she was very little that I would never get back!! My walk with God, well, it was nowhere in
sight. What was worse, I didn’t care! I prayed to get a great man, that was a
“Christian” and He gave me Chris? Was He
joking?? What did I do to deserve
this? Forget about not being on good
terms with God, we were on no terms. I
was so angry with God. And my life, with
Him, in my opinion, was over, there was no turning back. I was now the adulteress wife and yet another
marriage under my belt. What a failure I
had become!! This has been the furthest
I have ever been from God and God said “ENOUGH!
Time to really get your attention young lady!!!”...
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