The phone rings. “Granny is everything ok? “ I asked her. Please take note, I love my Granny, but she doesn’t make phone calls so when I saw her number, I was worried. I remember her asking if my mom was home (we lived right next door to each other at the time and I knew I could look right outside and tell her) and if she was, was she alone? Ok, now I am like really freaking out. I was adamant about why it was important to talk to her and why not alone. After some manipulation, I got it out of her. Those words I will never forget…”David is dead.” I literally fell to my knees in shock. The girls had already gone to sleep so I didn’t want to wake them but my insides were screaming, LOUD! As I cried a muffled cry, Chris came out of the room. I yelled to him to go get my mom and told him that my Uncle David died. He knew David, liked him, and knew how close I was with him. I remember in slow motion Chris opening the back door, slipping some shoes on, and was back with my mom. I handed her the phone, and told her it was Granny and she got “that” look on her face. When I said “David” I saw my mom turn white and her world crashing right before my eyes. I ran into my room and balled on my bed. I just saw David 3mths before this when I went for a visit to my hometown, not knowing it was going to be my last.
My uncle had a struggle in life and it took his life, but
what his struggle was is not important for everyone to know. What is important is how his death (something
so heartbreaking) changed my world. We
planned a trip for his funeral and I was in high speed ahead. I had all this under control. I had to be strong. I had to be strong for my mom, my girls, my
Granny, and my family. I had no time to
grieve. Suck it up Sarah! And I did.
I took care of things that nobody else wanted to. I dealt with insurance issues, taking people
to the store because they were too upset to go themselves. I was the “go to person” because I later
found out by an aunt, I was the strong one of the family, and I had it
together.” Yep, I had together until I
walked into the funeral home, saying hello to everyone, giving hugs, and then
the door swung open to his casket. If
Chris was not right there, I would have fallen to the floor. I lost my marbles. It was real, he was gone, and he was never
coming back. I have been to a funeral
before, but not to someone that meant so much to me.
We made it back home and guess what I realized, Chris was
right there every moment. He was trying
to be my knight and shining armor, my champion, my protector. I looked at him differently. I wasn’t in love with him anymore at this
point but that moment he caught me from falling on the floor, my heart softened. I became very depressed and Chris begged me
to do something. Against my will, I went
to the doctor and went on some “feel good” medicine. I am so glad I did. I woke up one morning and decided to get on
my online game I was playing and tell everyone goodbye. It was about time to be a mom and maybe be
nice to Chris. I was more at peace,
calmer, and didn’t yell so much (the girls loved that part). As I was lying in bed one morning, I was
going over David’s funeral in my head.
Something was said that personally affected my heart that day. I stopped and in a moment I knew that I never
wanted to die without my family and friends having one doubt that I was in
Heaven with My God. Even though they
might be sad to lose me, they had peace I was going to meet My Creator. Something had to change, and it had to change
now.
Chris came home from work that night. I didn’t ask, I told him, “I am going back to
Covenant, you are not worth going to Hell over.” To my shock, he was in agreement with me. He wasn’t in agreement about going to church
(with me at least), but that he wasn’t worth me going to hell over. He didn’t like Covenant, but he knew deep
down, that was where I always wanted to be.
He told me to go. I told the
girls that night and remember Katie saying to me at 4yrs old “Mommy, how long
will we be there this time?” This
destroyed me but gave me to strength to say “until God tells me to leave.”
Before I could walk back into that church though, there was
something I had to do. I had to humble
myself, admit my complete selfishness, and ask my senior pastor’s forgiveness. How was I going to do this???
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