Quit Complaining

February 13, 2013

Before I knew it, Gabby had her 14^th birthday, my birthday passed, Thanksgiving, and then our first Christmas without Chris.  I was blown away by all the love the girls and I were shown that year.  We were overwhelmed with all the thoughtfulness.  We really experienced Christmas in a whole new way that year.

On December 11, 2011 I fell in love with Jesus.  I mean, all heart, all mind, all soul, fell in love!  I released everything to him.  I released my beautiful babies; I released my family, my friends, even my heart desires.  I told Him I had to have only Him and everything else was a bonus.  I had all I had because of Him anyway.  It was all His in the first place.  He gave it all to me and He could take it all away.  I had to let it all go, be grateful for the time I had in my life but I couldn’t let anything or anyone become my god over Him.  

The New Year came and Katie had a birthday too.  I was really starting to struggle at work. My boss, even though understanding and helpful of me becoming a single mom instantly, we didn’t see eye to eye.  I hated my job more and more everyday and I became unappreciative.  I knew of all these people in my church that was desperate for work and I had an attitude and was ungrateful for mine.  My boss drove me crazy.  He was so belittling and nasty.  He had a short fuse and was rude to patients.  I couldn’t share with him what God was doing in my life because he didn’t want to hear about it.  He was lost and I prayed for him and his family.  His business was holding on my thread and I just didn’t care anymore.   I was drowning financially with the gas, the miles on my car (with wear and tear and repairs), and just maintenance due to it being in South Charlotte.  Myself and so many others were praying hard for me another job.  It was nothing to drive home in tears and come home just worn out being in a conflicted office all day.

While looking for another job and just trying to keep my sanity so many things were happening around me.  Gabby ended up having health issues that landed her in the ER a few times.  The girl’s school had a bomb threat.  I was fighting off collectors at every turn trying to explain why Chris wasn’t paying his bills and them trying to get me to pay, which I knew was not my responsibility.  One day my boss made me so mad that I bad mouthed him on face book (which I knew he would never see).  After, I felt so horrible that I publically apologized for my attitude and apologized to him as well.  God had put me in my place; I had to respect my boss as the authority in my life as my employer.  I might not have respected him as a man or business owner but he did pay my bills.  After that I quit complaining, thanked God for the job, and thanked Him for my future job.   

Katie had to have an endoscopy and colonoscopy in March.  That was a scary few months of not understanding what was going on with my baby.  The doctors could still not give me a definitive answer, even after the procedures.  She looked healthy and that was all that mattered to me.  The day after her surgery, my boss brought me in at the end of the day (it was a Friday) and told me he was letting me go.  I think he really meant it when he said he felt bad about doing so but he needed someone there all the time, someone without all my troubles.  It hurt, I cried, but I understood.  I asked God to get me out that office, but I wasn’t thinking he was going to do that way.  He always has His perfect ways. 

It was a hard 6 weeks.  My boss let me stay long enough to find someone to replace me.  What was heart wrenching was he made me go through all the resumes.  I had to choose the ones I thought were good for the job.  I had to call them all for interviews.  I had to train them for my job.  So many times I wanted to walk out, but I knew if I did, I would be giving in and I could not collect unemployment.  It was the longest 6 weeks.  The day I left, I hugged him, wished him luck, cried a bit in the car, but walked out with my head held high because I knew I left with integrity and he knew who my life belonged to, no matter what came my way.

I had no idea what God had in store for me with a new job.  I didn’t need to know.  I drove home that last time from South Charlotte with an absolute peace that all was going to be ok.  How could I not believe in His promises?  He has proven Himself over and over, even when He didn’t have to.

He is My Lead

February 20, 2013

The year anniversary came of Chris being arrested and we were in shock of how fast it came up.  A whole year!  Some days it felt just like it was just yesterday it happened and others it seemed a lifetime ago.  We got through the day with some tears but with strength.  My family was healing.  I had already forgiven Chris, Katie did as well, and Gabby did just weeks before the 1yr anniversary.  We were on the road of recovery and I was so proud of my daughters. 

Once I lost my job, I enjoyed having a rest.  I was told by many to enjoy that quiet time.  The kids were in school and I had a lot of time on my hands.  As I looked for another job, I enjoyed doing things I couldn’t do while I was working.  I enjoyed being at home, resting, having quiet time, and just breathing.  The Lord taught me that our lives, our futures, our bills, our food, everything was in His hands.  It was not in the hands of my boss.  He used my boss to provide but He was my ultimate provider.  One day, God and I had a heart to heart.  Ha-Ha!  I expressed to him that if I am going to get a new job, the rest of my life really needs to calm down.  A new employer was not going to have any sympathy for me, my kids, and what I was dealing with in my life, especially through the first 3 months.

I applied to this part time job working in a Chiropractors job in Lincolnton, just miles from my house.  I was not thinking I was going to hear from them, and honestly was hoping I wasn’t since I told God I never wanted to work in a Chiropractors office again!  Have I not learned to not tell God what to do?  I was also nervous about it only being part time but I left it in God’s hands.  He knows best.  I felt He asked me to give Him a year there if I got the job and I had confirmation with that decision.  I believe He wanted to show me more how He was going to provide.  Well, needless to say, I will be working in that office a year this May with no intentions on going anywhere when the year comes up.  My boss is a God fearing and amazing man.  He has really stepped up my faith in employers and has in many ways helped to take care of my little family.  My office manager (and co-worker) and I work so well together and we laugh a lot.  We are so opposite of one another but we thrive off each other.  We both have bad days but we are so good at going to each other and apologizing. 

God blessed me more than I could ever ask of Him.  I love my job, my patients, and the people I work with.  We make a great team and we care about people.  Such a difference an office makes when God is in the middle of it.  God just wants to keep showing me how things look when He is the lead.

April 10, 2012 marked my year of rest I took.  To most people that doesn’t sound like a long time.  But let me explain my rest.  I took a break of men in my life, of romance, of love.  Since I was 13 I ALWAYS had a boyfriend, a guy, a male person in my life to make me feel “complete”.  I wasn’t anybody without a man to care for, or maybe it was them taking care of me, who knows.  I can’t tell you how thrilled I was of myself that the year came up and I knew it still wasn’t time.  I wasn’t ready.   The girls weren’t ready, well at least Gabby wasn’t.  Not to minimize Katie’s hurt, but she bounced back much faster of Chris’s betrayal.  Maybe because this was her first real big disappointment in her life and Gabby had walked through a lot more.  I think the more you hurt, the harder it is to care, until you really release it to God. 

I knew before I would ever think about having another man come into our lives (and the one God sent, not the one I went out looking for) there had to be 4 things I wanted done.  First, I wanted to be healed from the inside out.  Second, I wanted the girls to be accepting of someone else becoming a part of our family and not by me forcing it on them but them coming to me and sharing their heart that it was ok for me to love again.  Third, I wanted all of us to forgive Chris.  And lastly, I wanted the whole thing to be over.  I wanted all the doors to be closed.  I wanted the judge to come down with his gravel with sentencing.  It had to be forever finished.  So for my family, it was not time.  I extended my rest for another 6months and I was happy to do so, without complaints.

During all this as well, our family discussed homeschooling again.  To my amazement, Gabby is the one that requested homeschooling.  She was sick of the drama and she just wanted to focus on her studies.  She knows what she wants to do with her life and she doesn’t want anyone to get in her way.  So after much prayer, much conversation, we decided to start homeschooling the 2012-2013 school year.  I won’t lie; it was very hard in the beginning.  There are still days that I scratch my head and say “why did we do this” but 99% of the time; I know it was the right choice.  Was it an easy choice, no, but was it the right choice, yes.  The best is what I want for my daughters.  And even though many don’t agree with homeschooling due to social reasons, anybody that meets my daughters, there is no way they are missing out on that.  What is best for one family might not be the best for another.  I have no regrets for that decision and I know my daughters enjoy it very much and are doing well.    

Marriage

February 27, 2013

(I had today’s blog all planned out in my head.  I even had it almost finished when God took it another route.  You will read that finished blog next week.  But for this week, I hope it reaches out to someone who just so happens needs to hear it.  Please also note, I am not a professional.  I am not trained in the field of marriage counseling.  I am only sharing my thoughts and personal opinions.)

Chris and I’s divorce was final in May 25, 2012.  I went from being a Mrs. to a Ms., again!  I was not really sure how my heart felt.  It was more broken over the divorce than whom the divorce was with, I hope that makes sense.  I did get full parental rights over my daughters.  The rights we fought so hard for when he adopted the girls in 2010 were gone.  My daughters were mine again.  I remember calling Gilda after that court date and just crying and heartbroken.  I will always remember her words.  “You are heartbroken over the divorce because it breaks Gods heart.  God did not plan this for you and Chris.  Chris made his choice and destroyed your marriage.  He allowed Satan into his head and heart, and he broke your marriage up.  Your heartbreak is from you allowing God to break your heart for what breaks His.”   Sound about right Miss Gilda?

After this divorce I knew what it did to God’s heart and why He hates it so much.  I knew what marriage and one marriage partner in life meant to not only Him but to you and your family.  That is why I believe God has put this passion in my life to help other women to see their worth, in Him.  God has put a love for marriages in my heart.  I want to fight for marriages, even for people I don’t know, and that much harder for those I do.  I hate divorce, it breaks my heart.  It tears me up inside to know the effects divorce is going to have, especially if innocent children are involved.  We are such selfish human beings.  We leave at the first sign of imperfection.  We leave at the first sign of hard times.  We leave at the first sign of “I don’t love them the way I used to”.  Grow up people; you are not going to love them the way you used to.  You grow up, they grow up (hopefully, ha-ha!), and you have kids.  Life changes and sometimes not always the way you have planned in your head the day you walked down that aisle.  It is a fairy tale but it is also reality.  Plans change, dreams might be put on hold, and there aren’t roses on the bed and candles lit every night anymore.  Life gets busy.  What happened to the wedding vows?  They are meaningless words anymore, not for all, but for most.  What happened to these words?

 “I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”    

When I read those words, my insides jump up and down.  My heart flutters.  These are the words that God has spoken over His church, which is us!  What if God left us for no good reason?  What if when things look rough, we get sick, we lose our job, we argue with Him, God leaves us?  He doesn’t.  He fights.  He doesn’t give up.  He stands there waiting for us to say “Ok God, I can’t, help me.”  Shouldn’t we be able to say this to our spouse too?  We are so afraid to fail.  We are imperfect, we are going to fail.  It’s just what we do with that failure that makes us the person we should be.  Do we learn from that failure or let it drag us and all those around us down?  Ask for help from your spouse.  They might not always or even ever give it when you need them to or how you expect it, but at least give them the chance.  If you don’t give them the chance, how can you be mad when they don’t?  We are not mind readers, as much as we all hope for that.  Sometimes you have to let your heart be vulnerable.  It’s scary, yes.  But there will no significant change in your marriage if you don’t allow your heart to be vulnerable.  If you don’t know how to be vulnerable, ask God, He will show you.  If you don’t love your spouse anymore, ask God to show you how to love them again.  If you don’t want to love them again, ask God to help you with that.  I knew from personal experience God can handle that too.

Always keep in mind; a marriage with God is not going to be perfect.  If anything, it might be harder.  Satan isn’t concerned so much with those marriages that God is not center of.  He wants to kill and destroy anything that is good and holy.  Satan is going to work overtime to tear you apart and your marriage.  You will have more temptations and normally harder times to walk through.  But with God and Him being your protector, you can walk through it with your head held high knowing you gave Him your life, your marriage, and your family.  You can get through those hard times with the right attitude and God being your center.  The more you trust God; I believe it is easier to go through those times.  You have a peace and joy that people who don’t trust God don’t have.  

My parents asked me few blogs ago, “Why do you think God allowed you to fall so deeply back in love with Chris knowing the rug was going to be taken from under you?  It just seems unfair.”  I didn’t know that answer then, but I do now.  I believe if all that happened with Chris and my heart wasn’t attached to him anymore, I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now.  It would have not had the same effect on me.  I would have already probably been involved with someone else, maybe married, and never took the time the girls and I needed to heal.  As much as it hurt and tore my heart from my chest (for those who are Twilight fans, remember New Moon after Edward left Bella, I experienced that heart wrenching screaming, normally when my daughters were not around.)  So, if it had to happen, I am glad it happened the way it did. 

I am a healed woman.  I am a whole woman.  I am a compassionate and empathic woman.  I am a woman who loves to encourage.  I am a strong but vulnerable woman.  I am a woman of pure heart, pure thoughts, and pure actions.  I am a woman who loves to worship.  I am a prudent woman.  I am an honest, loyal, faithful, patient, and humble woman.  I am self confident and have self respect.  I am a woman after God’s own heart.  So, would I change it…NO WAY!!

I am excited to see all that God has in store for me and for my daughters in the future.  I have a lot of things going on right now, or about to start happening, and I am thrilled.  My heart is in the right place for God to use me.  Part of that future God has told me, is one day, I will meet my prince, and I will be able to love him with all my heart, not with broken pieces of it.  That’s so EXCITING!!!

Impact

March 6, 2013

It was the summer of 2012 and it seemed like the longest summer ever.  Both girls had some battles of health issues.  I lost my job.  God found me another one.  We decided to do home school.  The girls said goodbye to teachers and friends.  We had VBS at church.  Katie went to camp for the 1^st time without mommy, which I am not allowed to do again, ha-ha! 

Gabby got her braces off and looked like a different human being.  She lit up.  She loves to smile and laugh now, she’s so beautiful inside and out.  She doesn’t wear the next new thing in style.  She doesn’t wear make-up.  She is just “Gabby”.  She is comfortable with herself.  Put her in jeans and t-shirt, a hoodie, and her Vans and she is good to go.  She’s never really cared about what others think of her.  I am so proud of her.  She left me for 5 days on a youth trip in July to BBF (Branded by Fire) which was life changing to her.  I saw a depth in her worship after she came back that made a momma proud.

August, we had to move again.  Even though the house God found for us to rent after Chris was arrested was our safe haven, I just was not able to stay any longer.  I didn’t know then why we had to leave but I know now.  It needed to be a safe haven to someone else who needed it more.  We live in a cute little townhome now.  It’s not quite home but we have come to terms with it, and we know that it is temporary.  It works for now.  It’s amazing what a place feels like after you put a few photos up J

September my Gabby girl turned 15, what?  It just seems unreal to me.  My little girl is not so little anymore.  After a long hard 18 months the girls and I were blessed with a beach trip to Myrtle Beach.  It was just what we needed to just put our feet up, relax, and have some much needed fun.  We had a blast.  The water was pretty chilly but it didn’t stop Katie.  It was a great time.  I have memories there now that I will forever cherish.  I will be forever grateful to those who blessed us to go.  I am still blown away.

While I was away on the beach trip, I had something to think about.  As the girls and I were preparing for our trip, the DA’s office called and asked me to come to Chris’s sentencing.  Finally, yes!  The time had come.  He was going to be judged for his crime.  Honestly, I had no desire to be there.  I didn’t want to see Chris and I didn’t want him to see me.  I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him in a year and half.  I had forgiven him.  I had healed; I just didn’t want to have to relive it.  I didn’t need to hear the gavel for it to be over for me.  I just needed to hear the outcome, not all the gory details in between.  The DA said me being there and making a statement would make an impact for their case.  I told God I would do it if He felt it necessary.  Needless to say, we came up with another way to impact without my presence.  I wrote a letter to the judge and expressed our hearts.  It went a little something like this: 

 

“For the sentencing of Christopher Johnson on 10/1/12,                                                                      

                I apologize for not making an appearance today in the sentencing of my ex-husband Christopher Johnson.  After much thought and prayer, I felt it was in the best interest for me and my daughters to not be here.  I felt it unnecessary to walk through that part of my life again.  I felt it unnecessary to feel the pain alive in my heart again.  I felt it unnecessary to see and hear things I really rather forget I seen and heard the first time.  I felt it unnecessary to see Christopher Johnson or for him to see me.  I have walked this part of my life out, I’ve been waiting just for closure, and today I get that closure.  I’ll get closure whether or not I’m here and I rather not relive that pain, again.  I feel I can explain in a written statement what his betrayal did to our lives in the last 18mths. 

                One morning I woke up to a pretty good life and that night, I was living a stranger’s life.  My life was a lie with Chris.  He was a stranger to me and to my daughters.  To have to explain to my daughters why their daddy was never coming back will always and forever break my heart.  Since March 29, 2011, we have lost our home, furniture from that home, we almost lost our car, and I lost my job.  I lost my job due to missing too much work.  Between all the appointments for counseling (for myself and my daughters), DA/FBI meetings, medical doctor appointments for my 7yr old daughter due to the stress it put in her life, and  my 15yr old daughter with her medical issues, it all began to add up, and I was let go.

                We have a lot of questions and don’t understand why he chose to hurt his whole family this way and we may never know but we do know what he is missing out on.  He had a pretty good life and he threw it all away!

                My daughters and I have had a lot of tears, heartbreaks, and questions but we have allowed this horrible experience to bring us closer to one another and stronger than ever, instead of tearing us apart.  We thank God for that. 

                I have faith in you Judge Voorhees and in God that whatever punishment is due, it will be given.  My words don’t come from hate or vengeance, just from believing there are consequences of your actions, and that goes for everyone.

                I want to say a special thank you to DA Cortney Escaravage and FBI Agent John Letterhos for helping me through this, for returning calls, and always being honest with me.  Most of all I thank them for protecting myself and my daughters from anymore harm that could have been caused.  They have been with me every step of the way and have worked extremely hard for this day.  Thank you for taking time to hear me out."

Closure

3-13-13

(Before I begin my next entry, I want you all to know, I came very close to not doing my blog today.  I wasn’t even sure if I was going to do it anymore, at all.  I got very discouraged this past week.  People with good intentions made me second guess my blog and my heart for beginning it in the first place.  I prayed about it again and asked God “did I hear you right?”  After I spoke to God, I spoke to one of my pastors and my parents and I felt my heart and intensions were in the right place.  I was advised maybe I shared too much detail, sometimes I wonder that myself, but I don’t feel guilt over it, if I did.  I guess I felt the more real and intense I was, the more impact this was going to have.  For me, this was not about my further healing, me wanting people to feel sorry for me, and it wasn’t about trying to take any credit for who I am now.  It was all about hope.  I want others, especially woman, to know there is hope and only one hope to get through the trials in this life.  And that hope is called JESUS.  I do want to take a moment and tell my mom “Thank you.  Thank you for giving me the courage today to not stop writing.  Thank you for being concerned about me and my discouragement. Thank you for allowing God to use you to help me regain my heart.   Thank you for loving me and accepting me just the way I am.  I love you.”) 

This entry is call “Closure”…

The girls and I had an amazing trip to the beach.  We made some new memories, had a lot of laughs, and I finished my letter to the courts.  By the time we got home we only had to wait a week before we got closure on our past life with Chris.  The DA’s office called me after reading my letter and gave me beautiful words of encouragement.  She stated that when she wants to give women in the future some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, she will use my story.  She said that she has never seen a woman react the way I did to something so horrible.  She said I didn’t lose my cool.  I didn’t fall apart.  I put my daughters first and was their hero.  She started to cry, which in return made me cry.  I was overwhelmed that this woman that lived this journey with me the last 18mths saw me that way. 

The day came, Monday, October 1, 2012.  The hearing was set for 2pm.  If I closed my eyes I could see the courtroom, the lawyers, and the judge.  I could see Chris’s family sitting there for moral support not knowing how long it was going to be before they could have him back in their lives.  I could imagine his lawyer trying to defend a case that made her sick to her stomach (which was told to me she said by a creditable source.)  I could see Chris sitting there as I did that day he left us forever.  I could see him with his face in his hands, embarrassed.  I could see the tears, not knowing to this day if the tears were of shame or of being caught and knowing his life was over.  I may never know, really. 

It seemed that from 2pm to 5:28pm the day drug on forever.  The DA told me it could take up to the 3 hours and that she would call me as soon as she left.  So after 5pm I was getting anxious.  I had been told for over a year that he could not under any circumstances get less that 15yrs.  I was also told that most likely, that he was looking at 22+ years.  All I cared most about that he got long enough that both my girls were grown adults and could protect themselves.  So when the DA came back with 16.5 years I will admit I was disappointed.  My heart kind of leapt out of my chest.  Her disappointment didn’t help me either.  But then she continued on with the other terms of the sentencing.  He got lifetime probation and he couldn’t have contact with us ever, without permission from us through his probation officer.  For me, even though still a little taken back, that was great news.  As I prayed that night, God reminded me that I asked Him to give Chris the judgment He felt Chris needed.  I am in no place to judge or make a call on what people’s consequences should be of their actions.  I got what my heart desired, my girls will be grown.  And I also got it to where he can NEVER contact any of us without permission first.  Once I realized how good that was, I was accepting of the outcome.

It was finished.  The gavel was struck.  Sentencing was made.  The door was closed.  Those chapters of our lives had its finale.  The sentencing was the last piece of that puzzle and it brought us peace.  The hard parts were over.  The pain snuck up from time to time but it was no longer a daily thing and it was almost more like a faint memory instead of a heart wrenching feeling.  Forgiveness had come, for all of us.  Healing was achieved.  Laughter filled our life.  Our relationships with God were strengthen.  Our relationships with each other were stronger and better than ever.  I knew we have a bright and big future ahead of us, as a family, and as individuals.  I have seen dreams become more like realities in some areas.  I have encountered deeper worship with God.  Heart desires seem more available and obtainable.  I don’t know what all God has in store for us but I know this journey with Chris wasn’t the end, it was just the beginning.  We have a new puzzle now to fill the pieces to, one piece at a time, and one day it will all make sense and come together.

“And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

“For I knows the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that testing your faith develops perseverance.”  James 1:2-4

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of Him.”  1John 5:14&15

(On that last verse I reword it to fit me: “This is the confidence I have in approaching God: that if I ask anything according to Your will, You hear me.  And if I know that You hear me – whatever I ask – I know that I have what I asked of You.”)

I have many other verses that have spoke to me and helped me through some tough spots but these were 4 of my favorite.  This next verse I am going to share with you, I believe with all my heart is MY verse.  This is my prayer for my life.  This is why I started this blog in the first place.  This is my heart Lord…

”Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”  Hebrews 2:18                        

Feelings

April 22, 2013

I can’t believe it has been over a month since my last blog.  These past 5 weeks have been challenging for my family and I.  Gabby, my oldest daughter has had some medical issues.  I didn’t doubt for a moment in the healing that I knew my God would provide.  Even though she had a lot of pain, tears, and questions, we fought through it and we came out with our faith stronger and our family closer.  I hate that we have to walk through these trials but God says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that testing your faith develops perseverance.” James 1:2-4 

My last blog entry shared about the closure my family had with Chris.  He received his consequences of his actions.  I was not sure exactly where I was going to go from there.  All the “action” was gone.  I didn’t think people would care to read anymore.  But to my surprise, people wanted more.  I got emails and text asking me when I was going to post again.  I just was not sure what else I could write about.  If I were to continue, I knew God would tell me what needed to be heard.  I was dealing with a battle inwardly that only a few people knew about.  I had to wait, seek God, and forgive myself and others before I continued to write.  If I learned anything in this life, be careful what you say, you can’t take those words back. 

I knew when I started this blog that not everyone was going to agree with me.  Not everyone was going to understand.  Not everyone would share their dirty laundry the way I did.  Now, if you think for a moment I enjoyed sharing my most horrible moments and decisions in my life, reality checks are needed.  I wanted to be as real and raw with those who needed to hear where I came from and where I am now, so that they could have hope too.  I also knew that not everyone would believe I had walked through enough healing to talk so vividly about my past and my life with Chris.  I accepted that and I knew God would help me through that if it came to that point of someone voicing their disapproval.  Well that disapproval came from someone very unexpectedly and someone I had a lot of respect for.  It tore me up inside that this person felt so strongly about my reasoning’s and intentions.  I was so mad and I felt belittled.  I felt like a child being reprimanded by my parents (which let me clear up, it was not my parents.) 

I let these words not only eat me up inside but I questioned myself, my reasons for my blog, and hearing my Heavenly Father.  I have come to the realization that Satan will use anyone to make you doubt yourself, whether it is your spouse, children, parent, church family, a friend, or family member.  I doubted myself and all the reasons why I started my blog.  Then of course I wondered how many other people felt this way and just pretended around me.  Due to my parents, my daughters, great advisors, and my senior pastor, I dusted myself off and re-evaluated things.  I had to realize that this person(s) are not perfect.  They make mistakes as well.  They are good people but only God really knows my heart and knows how much healing I have walked through.  Nobody but God has been with me in those quiet moments of my face on the floor, soaked with tears.  Nobody but God has heard my inner most being beg for healing, forgiveness, wisdom, knowledge, and clarity.  My family and those close to me had some idea.  They could see the changed woman in front of their eyes.  But even them, they really didn’t know my most intimate moments with my Father, my God, my Healer.

Whether intentions were selfish or truly looking out for me and my daughters, I guess only they and God will know the truth.  And you know what, that is ok.  My mom mentioned something to me in a comment in my last blog, and it made me feel so much better (thanks mom, AGAIN!)  “I respect and honor the Holy Spirit in you, and if you felt like He led you to write this blog then who am I or anyone to tell you that you did not.  For argument sake, let's say you heard Him wrong, the fact remains, you acted in faith and there is nothing God loves more than us acting in faith, besides He is God, He can redeem anything. If you wrote something you shouldn't have, I think He can handle that too. There is nothing too big for Him.” 

Of course I got great encouragement from my dad as well, whether he knows it or not, he encourages me often, just by being him.  I wasn’t quite over the anxiety, the hurt feelings, and the utter lost for what to do next.  So, there was another voice I needed to hear from.  Someone I try not to run to with all my problems, just the big ones (ha-ha), because I know how busy he is and how much people need him, my pastor and friend, Mike Devine.  He has read every single one of my blogs.  He knows all about Sarah from my past, even before reading my blogs.  I have given him permission to put me in my place when I need to be.  I have put a lot of responsibility on him when it comes to my daughters and I (and our future) and he has humbly accepted that covering in our lives.  Sitting in his office, he let me have it all out, say my piece, and then just stopped me.  He spoke words of wisdom with clarity, he made me understand things that I wasn’t aware of, and was very honest with me about his feelings (didn’t doubt he would).  I walked out of there feeling like 100lbs were lifted off of my chest. 

My dad always says “Feelings are just feelings, they aren’t right or wrong.”  I guess what he means is what we do with those feelings, how we act, and how we treat others with those feelings could be the right or wrong.  Even though I believe those words I have to wonder if I believe it 100%.  I know when I am sitting in our chair snuggled up with one my daughters, them in my arms, safe and sound, love all around…those feelings, they are right to me.  Maybe it isn’t the feeling that is right, maybe it is what we are doing is right??  Hmmm…maybe my dad is right after all J    

Ready To Wait

5-6-13

For those of you who either read my blog from the beginning or you knew my story from before, you all have one thing in common.  You all knew I used to be boy crazy!  Since I was 13, I had to have someone in my life to make me feel like I was a “somebody”.  Sadly, I didn’t realize I was already somebody and a special somebody at that.  I would like to say I wish I knew better when I was younger but then I wouldn’t have my 2 very special beautiful little girls and that for me is not an option.  God always has a plan, I might have taken the reins and done things my way, but I was His, and He was going to lead me back to His plan, even if it was painful to get back!

When all this mess happened with Chris in March 2011, I made a couple of vows.  I vowed to not run into another man’s arms.  Instead, I was going to run into the only arms that could handle all my pain and heal me, from the inside out.   I vowed I would I be pure (pure thoughts and pure actions).  I vowed that I would take all the time God felt for me to take until myself and both of my daughters were healed from the pain and betrayal.  It was more to me than that.  I didn’t just want healing, I wanted readiness and joy in thinking about allowing someone else into our little family.  There were many things that I knew I wanted to happen before I would open my heart again.  My vow started April 10, 2011 and vowed for a year.  Honestly, when I made this vow, I had to pray over it EVERYDAY!  I knew me, I knew my desires, I knew where my bondage was and if I knew, then the devil did too. 

I was actually shocked when the year came up and I hadn’t even blinked an eye.  I was so very proud of myself.  That alone to me was a miracle!  I was letting the healing happen, God’s way, not mine.  Anger, hatred, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger (oh wait, I already said that), I had already walked through.  What I was not expecting to deal with was my past before Chris, all the way from my biological father, to men who hurt me, and then myself.  As my year came up, I knew I was nowhere close to being ready.  I extended it another 6mths.  I am so glad I did.  There were some things that the girls and I had to walk through.  I never wanted to express to them that I was ready or ask them if they were.  I wanted them to be able to come to me, on their own terms, and tell me how they felt.  I never wanted it to ever come back to me that I rushed anything onto either one of them.  Those 6 months showed all this. 

When October 10, 2012 came around and I felt in my heart that I was ready to be “available” I set up an appointment with my family pastor.  As I prayed before the meeting, I told God that whatever Pastor Nathan said, I would take as a confirmation and I would obey.  I was expecting bright red stop signs, yells of “no, no, no”.  Instead, I was so richly blessed by his words.  I felt like, for the first time ever, I really got something right.  I was listening to God and I was letting Him make decisions for my life.  I was blessed with some books to read as I started my new journey.  I made guidelines of not meeting someone online, even on a Christian site.  For me it was going to be someone at church or someone through someone I knew and trusted.  I was not going down the same road of meeting someone that nobody knew and could not speak up for their character.  God of course is bigger than those two options but for me it was a much needed guideline.  

Since then I have talked to a few guys, I prayed earnestly, and I knew my answers within a week or so on the situations.  In November, I even pushed a guy for trying to kiss me.  I met a new Sarah that day, a Sarah that says no and meant it!  I love that chick!  As the next month went by I met another new Sarah, a Sarah that saw the signs and saw them quickly.  After these 2 men, I emailed Claudette & Gilda about my “situations”. Claudette emailed me about her thoughts on me being “available”.  She wasn’t in disagreement with my decision after talking with Pastor Nathan but she wanted to share something she felt very strongly about.  Her words were “ready to wait”.  I had gone through my healing and now it was time for me to wait after the healing.  She felt I should not pursue ANYONE, but let God orchestrate the whole thing.  I could have not agreed with her more!!   

In February, I met someone through a mutual friend.   He seemed godly and good, so many things were being checked off my need/want list for a Christian man in our lives.  But then as I prayed, and others prayed, I saw the red flags start waving.  He was a real counterfeit due to the kind of man he seemed to be to me.  I believe he was a good man but he was not our good man.  Before I met this guy, I started to read “Redeeming Love”.  What are the chances I would end the book the very night that God gave me courage to end the friendship with this guy?  As I read the book, I cried many times, some of the times I couldn’t even stop it.  It just kept pouring.  I got more healing from this book.  I didn’t even know I needed more healing but God used this book to show me that I did.  My God is AWESOME! 

As I was curled up in a ball that night with unstoppable tears, I texted my mom at 1:30am "U awake?”  She called to her daughter blubbering like a baby and I had to squeal out I was ok.  All I said was "I finished the book."  She said "Oh".  I sat there forever just crying.  All I can say is "WOW".  That book was healing for me.  If there was ever a book that I could relate to the main character of how she felt about herself, it was Redeeming Love!!!  After we got off the phone, the tears came up again and I began to shake.  All I could hear over and over and over again "Your Michael is coming, Your Michael is coming, Your Michael is coming."  I couldn't even speak to my Father I was so overwhelmed.  "Oh Michael you are SO worth the wait!!!" 

I am not going to say I don’t have days asking God “why, when, where, who, and how?”  Some days are harder than others and each time those days come; they only get harder to walk through the loneliness.  Since that night I finished Redeeming Love, I accepted I will have those days but I am so “Ready to Wait!”  I am not only ready to wait, but I am waiting with GREAT expectations.  I stand firm on Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”   

Fear

6-24-13

Wouldn’t you believe that Satan would use the very thing I wrote so passionately about in my last blog to tempt me with?  Not only did the devil tempt me but he chose the most perfect time (for him, not I) to choose to do so.  When I was already stressed and overwhelmed with another situation, he brought good people with good intentions into my life that want to see me happy, in love, to find my tender warrior (as Pastor Nathan calls him), to let my guard down.  I met a couple two weeks ago that met online using ChristianMingle.com and are happy, in love, and married now (they have no doubts it was God ordained).  I had a friend that was joking with me and poking me telling me “it’s a sign”.  Then I went home and told my girls and they were even telling me maybe I should. 

Then it happened.  Fear crept in.  Fear of maybe I was wrong.  Fear of maybe I was missing out on something because I was being close minded.  Fear that I was letting my daughters down.  Fear that I was telling God no and maybe it wasn’t Him telling me no.  I began to question everything when it came to meeting someone.  Fear that these people in my life might be right and have been right all this time.  I never knew until that week how much power I gave fear when I let it slip in.  I was already so exhausted, drained, and just worn out; and that made it easy for fear to take over.

Ever since I had my meeting with Pastor Nathan last October about being available, I knew online dating was something I did not desire to do.  Please let me clear something up though.  I am not against people meeting this way.  I know a lot of couples that have met on online sites, Christian or otherwise and have great success stories.  I have personally done the online dating thing before but this time around; I have felt led by the Holy Spirit that this is not the way for me.  Does this mean He can change His mind and change my heart and my outlook on this option, yes but I feel deep down, right now, this is not an option. 

Friday June 14^th I was a complete basket case.  I hadn’t felt this way since soon after our lives so dramatically changed over 2 years ago.  My chest was heavy, I couldn’t sleep, I was so confused, and I had no peace.  Confused?  No peace??  Well, with those 2 feelings, I knew I could not make any decisions.  I went to my parents and to my spiritual covering with my thoughts to hear their hearts.  And guess what?  God has a sense of humor!!  Instead of getting answers, I got more questions to answer.  I wasn’t sure if it was God or if it was me not letting this to be an easy and obvious answer.  Maybe I was holding out for someone to tell me “Sure, go ahead, why not?”  Those answers never came. 

Later in the day, I was thinking about fear and what it means in the dictionary.  I mean I knew what it meant to me in my life and how it made me feel but I was curious.   So, I looked up "fear" in the dictionary and it said: “Fear: An emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide.”  So what did I want to pull far away from was my own personal question and I knew pulling away from God was not an option for me.

Later that night I went on Facebook and saw an old friend of mine on chat.  He was actually someone I cared for a long time ago.  Even though we don’t see eye to eye on most things, I knew he would be brutally honest with me.  And he was.  Within moments I knew what he was saying was truth.  My chest lost the 100lb brick it had on it earlier.  I could breathe normally.  I felt peace and no confusion about my decision.  God did not use anyone I thought He would.  He used a person I would least expect Him to use.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt, this was not the way for me, for us.

Over that weekend, someone said to me “Sarah, you just can’t do nothing and expect God to just place someone in your lap.”  My question to them is “Why not?”  Why can’t I expect God to be God and be all He says He is and make me “trip” over someone?  I don’t want to make anything happen.  I want to be where God wants and needs me to be and in the process of obeying, He will bring that person to where I am.  So, by me obeying, aren’t I doing something?  Aren’t I listening? Aren’t I going where He goes, serving where He wants me to serve and loving people like He loves me?  So am I really doing nothing?  I don’t think I am doing nothing, I think I am doing all that I am suppose to be doing.

Sunday in my quiet time I told God I didn’t want to be fearful of anyone or anything.  I didn’t want to fear death, fear that rent wasn’t going to be paid, fear that the car wouldn’t be repaired, fear that the girls wouldn’t have all that they need, or fear that I wouldn’t meet someone to share hearts, life, and love with; the way God ordained it.  Then I read this in my daughters’ devotions that I read over them daily.  It says:

“The fear of God is having a deeply committed respect, love, and reverence for God's authority and power.  It means being afraid of what life would be like without Him and being grateful that because of His love we'll never have to experience such despair.  It means hungering for all that God is and all that He has for us.”

For me, fearing the Lord is not having to fear ANYTHING else in this world.  If you need answers, He will give them to you.   The answers might be immediate, maybe in quiet time, by a parent, a child, a spiritual covering, a friend, or someone you never thought He’d use.  I got to remind myself, every day, to keep my eyes open and my spirit in check with my heart and its desires.

 

“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”  Matthew 7:11